Back to me

A hundred million years ago I stood in my bathroom and realized that my life would be perfect if I had breasts. Well, it felt like a hundred million years ago… I lived in Los Angeles and was caught up in the wrong crowd. I just assumed it was normal to be sized up immediately upon meeting someone. Her mouth is too small and she needs bigger breasts…the creepy older man just immediately listing my flaws. No hi or nice to meet you…Her face is ok but she needs filler and color her hair. I felt small and irritated and really wanted to go home. I spent the next phase of my life hiding so I wouldn’t be noticed at all. I was only noticed then because my roommate was obsessed with being famous so I kept getting dragged to weird men and weirder situations. I was definitely not where I belonged. I hated HATED this time of my life. I lost so many years to this nonsense.

When I was a very young adult I was told that there were many things that I needed to change in order to be happy. My physical appearance being at the top of that list. I completely believed that if I perfected the outside then everything I ever desired would simply fall into place. All my self hatred would disappear and I would be confident and joyful and meet the love of my life…it would be easy. This is not a thing. Do not convince yourself that this is a thing! I was in for a long and painful dysphoric journey that felt surreal and miserable and incredibly confusing. To look in the mirror and see someone you don’t recognize was for me horrific. Am I enough? You were born more than enough. Your flaws and imperfections are the most beautiful and unique things about you…there isn’t one thing you need to change to be happy… except your vision of what perfect means and your relationship with the one who created you. There is a peace you cannot understand in that.

This world is so incredible and vast and filled with the most beautiful and fascinating people. Have you ever noticed that the ones who are the most captivating and beautiful are rarely the ones who are “perfect?” The ones who I just always wanted to be near were the ones who were magical in their confidence and sparkling from their souls. They were brave and deep and textured and had an easy contagious laugh. That is exquisite beauty. I always wanted the knowledge that I was loved and adored and I never realized (despite my faith) that that awareness and assurance comes from God. If I know that I am worthy and loved then I simply add to my life versus trying to fix my brokenness. You need to find find confidence and joy in who you are and be ok in what you’re not. You are already enough❤️

I haven’t figured out how not to be angry sometimes. Why in the world couldn’t I just have not moved in with that girl? Why would God want me around such a horrible influence? Why did I listen?! Why couldn’t I just be freaking happy?!!! So many years lost. But it wasn’t her fault. I was a magnet for broken souls. I only surrounded myself with screwed up people because I saw no value in myself. Man, I wish I could go back and tell that girl that everything going on around me was lies and I needed to go home. I needed God and some really good friends and I needed hope. I sometimes look back and cannot believe I lived through the torture that was my life. God sure had a plan but I was going to have to change everything, every single thing, to get back on track.

I thank you Jesus for loving me and protecting me when I was going wildly my own way. Thank you for blessing me with a precious daughter to raise in your ways. Thank you for filling me with the desire to give of my heart and soul to try to help anyone hurting or feeling as though they are not enough. Thank you for the glimpses of pure happiness that clearly come directly from God. I am blessed entirely because of my knowledge of you.

I got this! Till I don’t…but I will keep working on this for every single day of my life. I am committed to this path because when I let go and let God magical things happen. The pains that I cannot bare are suddenly lighter and somehow I can actually see the gifts in the storms versus the sheer panic that usually overtakes me. I want to be a blessing because it shines a light on life, illuminating the beauty that we tend to overlook. I also want to be me…Totally flawed, messy, ridiculous, joyful, sensitive me. Anyone who I attract to my life now I am grateful for. I am also happy. I have no idea what tomorrow will bring but the only times I freak out are the times I try to fix everything in my own way. I know God has his hands on my life and my child and as long as I remember that everything feels beautiful again.

You are exactly the perfect you. Your life is meaningful already. It won’t be different if you change everything. Nobody is staring at you judging you with the lens that you use. You are absolutely your worst and most unkind critic. And life goes on regardless. It goes on quickly and relentlessly so you might as well find the freedom in acceptance. I’m back to my original parts and I am grateful. I spend hours laughing or crying with friends I literally waited my entire life for. We complain and struggle and laugh and look in awe at the beautiful things. We catch loose horses and fall in mud puddles and watch my daughter run joyfully through fields, chasing goats or pigs or dragonflies and life feels sacred. You are enough mommy. Thank you precious girl❤️ you are everything ❤️

Published by Heidi

Mostly mommy. heidibond11 on Instagram

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