HeidiBond❤

Dreaming🌺

Some of my deepest dreams have come true but they came true with the caveat of release. You will live your dream, Heidi, but it will be fleeting because none of these things belong to you. You will live on the ranch with the 50 horses, but you will just be helping, and you will have to leave. You will train the wild horse only to give it back to its injured owner. Your days will be full, but the rewards won’t belong to you. Why can’t I figure out how to help myself? How can my dreams actually belong to someone else? They don’t… It’s all a training ground and that’s incredibly cool.

I have always secretly dreamed of a husband, too. This incredible man who is strong and mysterious and has an easy laugh. I would wake up in the morning and look out the window and see him, with the steam rising from his cup, fixing the fence outside a paddock while talking softly to the horses who watched him curiously. My daughter would come running into the room and say, “Did he wait for me?” and I would see her boots and jacket by the kitchen table with a note that said “I’m outside getting cold, hurry out” and she would throw her coat on and run outside a hundred miles an hour wearing one shoe because she couldn’t wait to help him. I would laugh and curl up in the window with my kitty and drink my tea while saying thank you, thank you. Thank you, God. Our nights will be full of laughter and stories, and bedtime will always come a little too soon.

Our house will be surrounded by flowers and it will be warm and safe. Sounds of paws running down the hallway and a scooter lying in the middle of the kitchen, abandoned in a moment of rushing to something better. I will be cooking and twirling to the music my daughter puts on, and then I will run outside to help. A dog will run up to me, tail wagging so much he almost falls over, and my girl will start laughing and say, “Look what we made, mommy!” And I will melt into his side and think about the millions of prayers I said for him, and I will be in awe in that moment for the ways God works. ❤️ I love that story.

But for now, I will sit in my old bedroom at my parents’ house waiting to hear my daughter say “morning mommy, I missed you.” And I will curl up in her bed and say thank you to God for my precious girl, and she will tell me how she dreamed about our new house and tell me all about the tree house we would build. Can you hear us, God?

God hears. Sometimes his plan is bigger and wildly different than our limited vision allows, but it’s beautiful and fulfilling. I’m sitting in bed with a purring kitty on my lap drinking the best tea. My Dad has spent the last 14 days in and out of the hospital with heart problems but this morning he is great. He had a procedure which basically was like a less deadly electric chair…He’s been shocked into rhythm and I’m so grateful. I have had people I barely know support me with constant texts and encouragement and I feel so lucky to have been by his side.

Our horse is living a glorious life at the very ranch I dreamed of before I even had a horse! MAGIC! I will always have to let my dreams go. Everyone I love will be gone at some point; friends will be only for a season, but there will be magic and miracles, and I will always be awed by the way God hears me. I don’t think much about the husband anymore, I pray for my daughter’s husband. Lord, let him be funny! I pray for her precious children and her life. I’m so excited for her.

A million years ago I had a dream where my grandfather handed me a sweatshirt from Harvard. He spoke with no words but he told me I was about to go to University. I remember every detail. As I look back on my life after that dream I see how it came to be true. The ranch with the 50-something horses was a training ground for Mr B’s new home with only 11. The health issues with my parents taught me, patience and unconditional love. I’ve made friends with doctors and nurses and they absolutely do give special treatment when you’re kind and grateful. Thank you.

I’m really ready for a prolonged state of not learning now. I really don’t want any more character today and I’m good with being strong so maybe a little break on things that make me stronger. Today I made my Dad tea, my girl and I will go see our horse and play, and then she will ride her bike while I skateboard behind her. The sun will seem brighter after 2 weeks in a hospital💕 I will say thank you 247 billion times because I’m so happy my Dad is ok. And I will dream♥️

Radiant✨

When I watch my daughter dance, all legs and limbs, I feel the most indescribable love mixed with a soft sadness for my own little self. She dances for joy. She has zero worries. She leaps and rolls and flails with the confidence of a professional. She is secure in her identity. She is never trying to fit any mold, she just shines her own unique light and it is the most beautiful and freeing thing I’ve ever seen.

When I was young and all the way until I was far from young I made up who I was. I decided to be French when I was 10 because that felt like it ensured a certain level of fancy. I would daydream about the limo coming to pick me up and how my entire class would just be shocked when the driver interrupted class to take me to my rightful place. It was so jarring when I looked down and was still sitting in school and not even a little bit French. Rude.

I don’t know why I had such a deep dislike of myself. I made my life hell and as I got older it only got worse. I decided in my late 20s to be 18 because then I would have more time to figure out this life. I also decided to be extremely important and intolerably brilliant. That must have been fun for those who knew me. I was committed to being whoever I created only in the hopes that I would (like Pinocchio) become a real girl. The one who was worthy and special and the one who would be loved. WHAT ON EARTH!!! Where did this come from??

Well, God saw this and, obviously, knew my heart, and decided to give me a daughter later in life. Pregnancy was torture because I had zero control! When I held my daughter for the first time I was completely in shock. 9 months did nothing to prepare me for this actually happening. I was holding this tiny person and she was going to stay and I was in charge?! Everything changed, but slowly. You don’t just stop being pretend French overnight.

My heart was no longer my own. This little creature was so amazing to me. She looked at me in a way I had never experienced and she needed me. That is such a beautiful thing, to be needed. She adored me because I was her mommy. She adored ME. I was more than enough for her. She didn’t care what I looked like or about what I did, she only cared that I existed. Her entire face would light up when I walked into the room and she would hold me so tightly. She healed my heart ❤️ I love her beyond love.

I look at her and desire to be ME. Funny, how, a billion years later, all I want is to be myself. I want to be free, joyful, and wondrous. You can ONLY be that by being totally and unapologetically yourself. God created me wildly different and every one of those differences is what those I truly love love about me. I am as much of a miracle as this precious girl.

God chose me and I’m choosing to be exactly the woman he created me to be. We are all radiant in our uniqueness and we all find our way into womanhood despite the trillions of obstacles. Priscilla Shirer wrote in her book Radiant “I’ve got you.” I say this to my daughter every time she’s scared. I say this to any woman struggling. I’ve already done all the stupid stuff, so, I’ve got you❤️ Forever and ever amen.

Magical in spite of myself✨

I am always a mixture of profound gratitude mixed with this desire for more. More adventures, more wonder, more magic✨ So when life is slow, I am seeking. I wonder what would happen if I stopped seeking and allowed God to provide the experiences I’m trying so hard to constantly create. What if I just allow today to be?

When I look at my pictures of my daughter and our life; a life I created with no money, working crazy weird jobs while helping to care for a parent spiraling into the depths of dementia, I feel so proud❤️ we never take the time to see our successes. To watch my happy girl, or the irrational joy I feel at seeing a shooting star, or the family of ducks in my backyard. I feel total pride in seeing how my father has fought to find happiness after losing his wife of 55 years. I have spent the last year and a half taking his towel off the rack where he threw it and folding it into thirds, just as he always taught me. I know when he feels better he will remember and one day I will walk in and he will have done it himself.

I am seeking God’s provision in our lives. I want to go in the direction I am supposed to go. I want to see shooting stars and miracles that I know are from God. I am so grateful I get to be the one to care for these people. For every moment of laughter, for every unexpected surprise. I am proud of who I am and my heart that loves. A woman said recently that whenever you feel scared say out loud “I am the daughter of a king, protect me.”

I am the daughter of a king❤️ look out for us. Direct me to the place you want me to be. I’m ready.

You are magical already, Heidi. Look around at what you’ve done. Sometimes you have to remind yourself that this very moment, whatever it is, is already a miracle.

Fast Forward

One second is one second, right? The hours in the day haven’t changed yet time is flying past me, my precious girl standing eye to eye and wearing my shoes. My cat once feisty and ferocious now curls up in my arms when I sleep. Nothing stays the same. Sometimes I lie on the floor and think that while crying and eating cheese…

I watched my daughter fall madly in love with a sassy pony named Jazzy. She is a beautiful pony, all speckled and adorable. India volunteered to be the first one to ride her. She was determined to turn her into the perfect unicorn. Jazzy had other ideas on how things were going to play out.

I saw my girl grit her teeth and scream, “YOU ARE A UNICORN! ” She worked tirelessly with this pony, and her confidence soared. There is nothing on earth that matters more. I’m so proud and honored to be her mom. My little girl is not so little anymore. She made a decision and she stuck to it. She worked and fell and got stepped on and cried but she did it✨

Life is funny but miracles happen. I’m watching this girl make her dreams happen and my 80-year-old Dad has found true love! He is the happiest I’ve ever seen him and it makes me realize… Time isn’t anything. Life is flying by but at any moment something amazing can happen. Love can find you no matter how old you are and Unicorns are real. At least to my girl💕

I just want to savor every moment❤️ the horrible ones have led to the deeply beautiful ones. I am grateful for today where I’m covered in dirt from taking a tree down with my girl and shaving a cow (my new favorite sentence) but I’m also looking forward to the adventures I don’t even know about yet. Thank you, God.

Future Perfect ✨

Everything is fast now. Once kids are older the world suddenly opens up and is filled to overflowing with school, pool, new people, endless wants! Summer has a new meaning to me and honestly, I am tired. I feel pretty disconnected too. I’ve been here before so I know it will be ok but last night I tossed and turned until I was completely tangled in my sheets. What’s happening here God? Things are changing, Heidi. Again.

I started my Instagram forever ago. I did the typical mommy posts, 19 billion pictures of my daughter and our adventures, and all of our animals. Lately, I felt like I needed to get off social media. It’s such a drain and was beginning to be my go-to when I wanted to check out. Well, I ignored that feeling and then one morning I woke up to find my account banned!! Someone doesn’t like me so much that they reported my account. I’m flattered and grateful. Plus I can post all my pictures here so… There is bliss in misery.

I’m ready, God. I know we need these adventures, I know everything is about to change, and I know I’m proud of myself. I just don’t know exactly what comes next. I was listening to these amazing speakers and they spoke of how opportunities come as a result of connection. It’s like God whispers your name in someone’s ear, and doors are opened. I hope it’s true for me❤️ I’m having to step up and choose joy when I’m terrified. I’m getting to see my strength in a world where it is just me. I am the one who will bring that joy. I am facing my fears and STILL deciding that it is going to be a good day!

There is magic all around us. I got to see the Milky Way! It was such an amazing moment. It was 4am and I was standing outside praying to see a shooting star in the middle of the desert. Then I turned around and I was so in awe. I said yes and I was filled. Life is so short and you get to choose each moment! We don’t realize that even on our worst days we get to choose. I’m going to have moments of garbage! Moments where some random person tries to hurt me because they are probably hurting. Or days when absolutely nothing is going my way but that’s magical as well. I get to choose to be happy anyway. None of it matters. The person behind their keyboard feeling angry at our happiness decides to take it away but you can’t take anything away from me. I’m not impacted by those things.

Something big is coming for us. What it is I don’t know. But I know I’m ready💕 Scared but ready. I tell my daughter that every day. You are going to be scared! Do it anyway! Feel that fear and look it in the eye and do it anyway. My decree for this year…It WILL be good! Even if I’m scared🌟

I love you God. Thank you for this life and all it brings. Help me to be strong and see the beauty around me on the hard days. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for loving my daughter. Thank you for this life.

Life can be unbearably painful at times and that’s ok❤️

What is life✨

I look around at people and the world and wonder what shaped them. I see my past filled with absolute terror and I look at my present where I feel so proud of who I have become. Life is so interesting and odd. I was reading one my my favorite authors Alain De Bottom and thinking about the concept that childhood is actually “a gentle open prison”. I wonder what my daughter will remember of this time? Will she see me with an open hand while also struggling to fill every single need? Me attempting to juggle being a mommy and a full-time caregiver (over and over). Will she remember me being up at 4 to help my parents? Will she only remember me as tired? Rushing to work and then home? Am I creating a safe place in her heart?

A woman was talking to me and said that she was following me on Instagram and saw how wonderful my life was. I was sitting in the VA hospital at the time trying to calm down my hyperventilating child. My daughter was in the middle of state testing and was hysterical and my father was waiting for his name to be called. I had spent forever getting him integrated into the veterans system so that he could get hearing aids and his rheumatoid arthritis had rendered him temporarily unable to drive. I thought about her words and was just filled with a totally irrational joy. Our life is wonderful but it is a very purposeful wonderful. I work extremely hard for the wonderful moments.

I have had to make choices on what I worry about. I can’t physically live if I let all my worries consume me. The what-ifs or the thoughts of tomorrow. A rational person would probably scream at me but I have to trust God right now. I feel in my soul that my job is to care for this precious girl and fill her life with brilliant people and experiences that fill her. It is also my job to be a safe and protective place for my father as he heals from the loss of his wife while simultaneously battling a disease that has taken over his limbs. I am the driver, chef, therapist, and friend. I am also the daughter and mommy and adaptive riding instructor. Plus the teacher, unfortunate gardener, and even more unfortunate handyman. I am trying hard to also be me. This would have been impossible 10 years ago but I’m doing it! I am grateful for this gift.

What would you do if you had nothing to worry about? I would do this. I would love everyone with all of my heart and try to see them in all their beautiful humanness. I would try to give them what filled their soul because that in turn filled mine. If we only have 1 life then right now I’m doing what I would do even if I had a billion dollars. I will let God worry about my future. You got this God, right?

A mothers heart ♥️

We all need a mom. Someone who you can sit with when your world is falling apart or just someone to tell you that you look beautiful and everything is going to be ok. The one you call when your soul aches from loneliness and just her voice can ease a million bad dreams. She’s home. When you’re in your new apartment or even just a teenager at camp, all you want is to go home. You want your mom. It’s a sacred role. It’s my favorite most cherished job. I am a mom and I was one way before I had my daughter.

I loved my mom but I was far from adored. I was more like a feral cat that was reluctantly allowed to enter the house. I was nearly constantly trying to be tamed. I knew my presence was a source of stress and disdain and that energy became part of my identity as a young girl. I was so lonely and so desperate for love. I was so convinced I was adopted that I tore through pictures looking for proof. I knew my real family would think I was amazing and they were probably from France! I was probably actually a princess! Occasionally I would day dream in school about the limo coming to pick me up and take me to my real family.

I was not adopted, these were my family members and I was just going to have to figure out how to survive in a house where I was the exact opposite of everything they wanted. Everything about me was different. I was horrible in school and uneasy in my skin. I wanted to be incredible but my insecurity was so deafening that I could barely speak. I needed my mom. I needed her to see anything good in me! Not my potential, not what I could be if I lost weight or put on lipstick or applied myself. Me, exactly as I was. It was so hard to be alive. Why am I even here God? I wish I would die.

I called my mom every single day of my entire life. That devotion and need are incredibly powerful. I called every 5 minutes when I got into a relationship that I didn’t want to be in. She never had time to talk. She was on her way to the gym or at the gym or getting ready for bed and it was too stressful. Can we talk about this tomorrow when it won’t keep me awake?? Ok, mom. I will ask you tomorrow. But tomorrow she would be busy too so I just stayed in the relationship until it almost destroyed my life. Obviously, it wasn’t her fault but I needed her. I needed a hug and a kiss on forehead and I needed to know I was loved.

I turned into the mom I would have died for. That was my gift. I could never kiss my daughter enough or tell her she was beautiful enough times. I will just watch her singing to herself sometimes and wonder how someone so perfectly astounding could belong to me. I cherish everything about her! Her humor, her wildness, her precious little heart. I cherish her. Her differences are awe-inspiring to me and to hold her little body is worth more than anything on this earth. The power I hold! Just my being close to her eases her fears and makes her feel safe. I want to feel safe.

God blessed me with women to whom I can run. I have strong women in my life now who serve as mothers, sisters, and daughters. I know the deep and forever soulache of being without that connection and am aware of the blessings all around me. It doesn’t erase that longing but it softens it. I forgive you, Mom. But mostly I love you. I am grateful for you and I miss you. I wish you were here.

Jesus answered.

I was reading this book that I didn’t want to read and came across the line “We’d rather have the questions than the answers” I sat there realizing how much of my life that encompassed. I keep asking the same questions over and over instead of hearing the answer. Obviously, like a child, I just don’t like the current answer. I feel like if I repeat and rephrase a billion times then maybe I will get a good answer. The one I’ve rehearsed in my mind over and over. The one where I jump up and down in total joy. You will catch me when I fall right? God?

My daughter is fearless, she has no thoughts as to whether she is strong or capable. She knows she is loved beyond love and she knows she is safe so trying new things is just an utter thrill for her. She doesn’t think about failing because to her if she fails then she gets to try again. That is where the fun is. I feel like if I could wrap my head around the way I love and adore my daughter then I would have the tiniest glimpse of how deeply God loves me. If I believed myself worthy of the love I offer then could I live this freely as well? What keeps me from seeing myself the way I see this precious child?

I love writing. Not because I’m particularly skilled or inspiring but because when I’m flipping out I can scream into my journals and I can cry or praise or whatever feeling is consuming me. It is magical to write your prayers, questions, pleas… I have a lot of frantic prayers. But it’s also where I sit in awe at the prayers I wrote years ago that have been answered in ways unexpected. The little prayers and the “only God” ones. It’s where I begged God to heal my mom and then where I sobbed after she died. It’s the endless stories about horses and then the thank you for the breathtaking horse standing before me. And the most astonishing one of all, this girl who I have poured my soul into and who loves me with her entire being✨

I’m currently in a very noticeable waiting season. The in-between. Not my favorite place in the universe. I have worked, struggled, thrived, and turned myself inside out. I have become who I believe God wants me to be. But I am not where I would like to be in my life. Gestures dramatically at everything 🙄

In my dream, I suddenly have the financial ability to buy this huge ranch! I use it to help all the animals that we adore. We bring all the unwanted horses and goats and obviously cows (and cats, ducks, pigs, chickens, goats) and give them beautiful lives. We also bring the people God has given us and it becomes this gathering place where the kitchen is always full and there is always laughter. We partner with our church and have retreats and small groups. It is a place holy to God. The hurting people adore the animals and in turn the animals can help heal the people. It’s the most magical place✨ no one is cold or hurting or hungry. God is at the center of everything.

But for now, I kiss every furry nose and I copy my daughter in her fearlessness. I ask God every day to show me what I can do and every single day Jesus answers 💕 God, I bring my dreams to you, I bring my will to you. Remove anything not of you because everything you do ends up better than what I want. But if you want to give me the ranch it would be amazing because the car is already filled with an entire bale of straw (feral kitty) 50 pounds of chicken food, horse grain, and dog treats (we don’t have a dog) and 2 boxes of Cheerios because it makes goats happy. Or maybe you could just remove this dream so we have somewhere to sit in this car 🙄 I roll my eyes a lot! See… Repeat and rephrase. God probably rolls his eyes at me too❤️

Are you willing to wait?

The smallest family will become a thousand people ✨

I’ve been waiting my entire life. I didn’t have the slightest idea what I was waiting for when I was little but I knew something was missing. I used to get panicked about going on trips or leaving the house because I felt certain I might miss out on this mysterious something that I was waiting for.

I remember sitting in church and hearing 2 Peter 3:8. “With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day.” Am I the only one who doesn’t particularly want to wait a thousand years? A thousand years? I’m horrible at waiting! I get so discouraged at the speed or lack of speed in which my prayers are being answered! But… Almost all of my prayers have been answered! I should find the most profound peace in that but like a tiny child I scream and stomp my feet and just throw all my joy out the window. What if. What if you say no. What if everything falls apart? What if, God??? Lord, please help me to trust your timing. Help me to learn patience and stop trying to do it myself.

Be faithful in what I’ve given you. Why do I even need more? What am I actually hungry for? All I want in the depths of my soul is to have enough in my bank account to care for every person and animal God brings me. My job pays almost nothing, like less than nothing, but God placed me here and every time I want to leave God brings me back with a renewed love 💕 I always thought it was the animals, but it’s also the people. Very wonderful, complicated, hurting and growing people and I love them. They have challenged my overwhelming desire to run away. They have hurt my feelings, questioned my abilities, pushed me to grow, lifted me up, held my hand, but most importantly they have been God placed. Part of the thousand God promised.

My fear is not faith. God has never failed me. I’m getting texts asking when I’m going to church this morning and the idea that I’m on the mind of these spectacular people is one of a million examples of God’s grace for me and my little family✨ I’m taking the clothes out of the dryer and just feel consumed with love as a plastic eyeball, an orange and 97 quarters fall out and cover the ground. My loneliness has been completely erased. I have little notes all over the house and in my mailbox at work from my daughter, every one saying how much she loves me! Hundreds. How could I ever question your love for me God?

My timeline belongs to me not God. I am actually moving at an astronomical speed if you consider where I used to be. I am blessed and trying my hardest and I’m absolutely the best person I have ever been. I can’t wait to see what God brings me this year! My last wishes are “only God” ones and when those happen it’s the most wonderful thing in the world💕

I am so grateful for the people and animals you have entrusted me with. I am forever grateful for my girl ❤️ thank you God

Yes

I started saying yes to God reluctantly. It wasn’t a yes in the beginning. I had no other options, so my yes became the only answer possible. There was a fair amount of screaming and foot stomping in the beginning. I remember when I was in the bath in the depths of hell. I was sick from drinking the night before, and my heart was breaking wondering where God was in all my misery. I looked on the floor and saw a magazine, the cover read “If you’re looking for God you’ve already found him.” That moment started my journey.

God decided that I should be with my family. Why?? Well, I ended up helping my grandmother for 8 years on sporadic weekends with my daughter. We had a lot of crazy adventures with Grandma. She had me crawl onto her roof to get rid of a ring-tailed cat and didn’t even get mad when instead of getting rid of it, I fed it jam and made it a bed. We decorated her house on holidays, went with her to get her ears pierced, and ate endless ice cream. She even convinced me to go skydiving with her on her 90th birthday. In the end, we held her hand on the day she died. She was never alone.

After my grandmother passed away, my mother became extremely sick. My daughter and I tried endlessly to make her laugh. We took her shopping and on walks and had a routine every night where we watched something she liked, then we talked to her for hours before we put her to bed. We bought her things to help with her confused mind, which made everything worse, but we did it with pure love. We treated her gently and spent 90% of the day looking for lost things. I will forever be grateful for that time. I quit my job so I could be there any time she needed me and that last year we did almost 0 school work. It was devastating and scary but a blessing.

On December 20th, just months after my grandmother died, my mom was in her office in a happy mood. My daughter was on the floor doing her school work, and I was just talking with mom. She wanted rain boots, so I went through her closet and found 2 nearly new pairs. I put one on each foot, and she was so excited. I had made lunch, and she kept going into the kitchen and picking at it. She had become obsessed with some random drink, and my dad walked in with it, and she was thrilled. She was dead 10 hours later. God placed me here knowing our love was needed.

Our family, as I knew it, changed immediately. My mom was gone both literally and figuratively. There was no funeral or remembering. In my mind, this would be a time of loving each other and taking care of one another in our grief. But my broken father could not cope, so he filled the space my mom left before she was even gone. I understand on a soul level, but in the world, everything had shifted, and getting our footing was hard in this suddenly wildly different story. My daughter began having nightmares every night. The constant threat to her security was too much for her little heart. Help me, Jesus. I’m lost again.

What is it you have for me here, God? Can I care for my Dad, or is he going to move on and leave us? I understand he needs and deserves a joyful and meaningful life even if it means erasing mom. It seems that our lives move as if on rickety train tracks. Like a ride at Disneyland where the train suddenly jerks to the side and you’re screaming NO, NOT THE SKELETON PATH!! If God is leading, then I follow the path set out before me, even when I don’t understand. John 13:7 “You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.” It feels a little skeletony God… I’m scared.

Now I’m saying yes to every open door. A new ranch asked me to do a couple hours of work a few days a week, and I immediately said yes. I’m trying to figure out how I can do something that pays enough not to be a burden to anyone. I only ever wanted to be a blessing. Maybe I could sell pictures? Maybe my name will get whispered in the ear of someone who needs a person with my exact skills? Maybe someone will donate 47 million dollars to me because they also want a cat sanctuary 🙄I’m saying yes, and thank you for each day. I am positive that this can be a wonderful time if I can stay in today… Does anyone know how to tell my brain that?

I love you God ❤️ thank you for choosing us to serve. Thank you for my daughter. Thank you for my animals ❤️ thank you for the blessings I don’t know about yet.