I talk about God often because the works in my life have been very profound. The Bible talks about the renewal of your mind and because my life has been a black and white version of that I have no doubts…except when I do.

Your mind is always looking for ways to rationalize magical moments. Those serendipitous occurrences that take your breath away. But when you take them for what they are, and say thank you, you begin to see them everywhere. These moments can be teeny tiny or they can be huge and life changing but they are always happening and once you quiet your mind you will start to see them.

God has saved my life a million times. I am literally in awe that I am still here. I lived a very reckless and dangerous life before I settled into my place in this world. I remember as a teen driving over a hundred miles an hour with one foot on the dash. Weaving in and out of traffic passing on the right shoulder of the freeway. I would watch the speed go up and up and only slow down when the wheel started shaking.

I grew up with God and talked to him even while half conscious on the bathroom floor. I talked to God when I was 20 and running down the street at midnight in a horrible part of Sacramento with a man following me. I had to hide behind a car and I thought he would hear my heartbeat because it was pounding in my ears. I talked to God when I was searching for anything to quiet my mind and turning to substances that should have killed me. I prayed that God would take me when all of my recklessness just left me empty and broken. I was going my own way. It was a dark and terrifying and dangerous way but God was there. I should definitely not be alive, but God had a plan if only I would stop running long enough to hear it.

My life changed slowly over many years. I failed daily at everything and had to get back up and take baby steps to a future I couldn’t even see or comprehend. I remember giving up. I really recommend giving up. I prayed and visualized me begging Jesus to heal me, I was holding on to feet wearing leather sandals and I was done. I absolutely could not live even 1 more second this way. I don’t know what was real or a dream/vision but it felt so real to me. I never touched another substance after that day. I never had any desire to be numb again. I began to feel and that was so totally overwhelming because I had spent my entire life actively making certain not to feel a single thing.

I knew I had been healed. I knew that the habits and lifestyle I had turned to for coping couldn’t just disappear. I knew the relationships I was forming and repairing were impossible with my own will. I couldn’t question it because it was obvious. I had tried to get better my way a thousand times. I had bargained with God, made promises, asked for random signs. Finally I threw my hands up and just laid down and said God I give up! I’m not going to fight anymore. I’m done. I meant it with every ounce of my soul. I was ready for whatever happened.

I am so grateful because I know how different my story could be. I am so grateful to a God that already knew my purpose and wasn’t about to let me wreck it. I am also grateful that I found it in myself to humble myself before God and my loved ones. I have no idea what triggered my darkness but I know that with God there is no darkness. I know that I will have miracles to write while I drink my coffee at 5am. Sometimes they are ones like today. The miracle of a forever friendship and watching movies together during a rainstorm. The miracle of a lifelong dream of having horses come true in a way God knew would be much better than my vision. Or the big miracles like my being alive and here to share my testimony. My daughter who is my sidekick and best friend. And my family who I am so incredibly close with and friends!! I never thought I would have these beautiful, soul filling relationships.

I am so blessed. I am so happy. I also have also completely surrendered my vision and desires for those that God wants for me. I still mess up and fail because I’m human but my mistakes even make me happy because I see or feel instantly that I am going in the wrong direction and I fix it right then and there. I had times in my life where the idea of the joy and fulfillment I have now would have seemed impossible but nothing is impossible with God. Not even the impossible.

If even 1 person in the whole entire universe reads this and is looking for a sign then I promise this is your sign. I know with zero doubt that God heals and your mind can be entirely renewed. I know that happiness is so much better than you even can understand and that you don’t need anything to find your purpose outside of faith. Faith is the magic. With childlike faith you can do more than you can ever imagine. I promise.

Forgiveness and love

Life is so short when you really think about it. Who you are is temporary and one day you just won’t exist anymore. All the achievements you think matter, the people you’re angry with, those moments that filled your days. One day you will realize that the words you spoke were the last ones someone ever heard. You never know when it will be the last time.

We had a man we adored. We got his papers every morning and my daughter would leave a flower between the rubber band and the paper. We would always bring in his garbage cans and as he got older I would drive him to his Dr appointments and help him write his checks…his hands were swollen and shaky. I am pretty sure he could write his own checks though, I think he wanted the company. We would sit there until he ran out of stamps filling out checks and talking about his life. I loved doing that. I always made sure he knew we adored him. I always wanted him to feel loved. Every single time we saw him my daughter and I would stop whatever we were doing and run up like he was the best thing in the world. I would always ask if I could do anything for him and he would always say “I could use a new body and a new mind.”

I never ever thought he wouldn’t be here. I always thought we would have a tomorrow but one day a fire truck showed up. Then the police. I texted him over and over begging him to tell me he was ok. I sat outside and waited for the ambulance. When you die they don’t send an ambulance…I didn’t know that. They send a van and you become a body instead of a name. The driver doesn’t care who you were or what you did. His job is simply to take you away. That human who I adored was just taken away. Forever. Gosh I miss him. We still pick up his papers and his light is still on over his desk. I wish I could have held his hand before he died. I wish I could have said goodbye. I hope he knew we loved him.

I think about my life and all its chapters and challenges and I am grateful. I am grateful for being alive. I am grateful that I have been humbled and refined by God. I am grateful for every moment I get with the people I love and I make sure my words and actions show that. I want to treat everyone as if that is my last moment with them. I want them to feel adored. I probably get more out of that than anyone. Maybe it’s selfish. I have not one drop of resentment or anger towards anyone. I choose that. I choose to view everyone as the child they once were and that makes me feel loving towards them. I want to be happy! Now. Regardless of my circumstances or history. That is my gift to myself and to others, to be happy, loving and accepting and to forgive and let go. I wasn’t always that way.

I struggled with anger and pain during many periods of my life. They all stemmed from confusion. I didn’t realize sometimes people would say untrue things to cause conflict. I generally took words spoken at face value because it didn’t occur to me that a person would lie. I would become furious over a story I was told and lash out because it never even once crossed my mind that the individual was making it up for their own benefit. I watched an entire family stop speaking to one another based on the convoluted words of 1 person! That’s a lot of power for 1 person or a lot of weaknesses for those who fell victim…probably both. I tend to dive deeper so I kept trying to figure out the cause of the conflict and that’s when all the pieces fell together. I felt so sad for each individual person who had been targeted and then judged. I felt sad for judging. My realization didn’t leave me angry at the one who started it all, it left me feeling oddly soft. How broken must you be to destroy your own family! That is heartbreaking. Those once children conditioned to be on guard and to preform leaving deeply meaningful relationships virtually impossible. Children who were expected to impress others but not children who were ever cherished. Their worth measured by their accomplishments but never ever their heart or little souls. They actually never really mattered. They never learned to love so they carried bitterness from one generation to the next to the next. Thank God that my immediate family was protected from that bitterness. It is a cancer that spreads and destroys. I’m too rebellious to be bitter…or too empathetic…or both.

I literally stopped being angry the second I got it. I should have realized while I was listening that if someone is speaking horribly about their family members then they are also speaking horribly about you. I remember once asking this person directly to tell me the truth! I was almost yelling. I knew in that moment. I saw everything immediately in that very second and I had to decide whether I was going to be livid or forgiving and God stepped in and transformed not just my mind but also profoundly my heart. I just stopped being angry. Nothing was true. That was going to have to be ok with me. I had no emotional attachment anymore. I had no desire to hurt that person, I actually had the opposite feeling. I would show up and accept them for exactly who they were. They needed that and that could be my final gift to them…it didn’t matter if they deserved it. Until the others saw the same thing I would wait and hope that some day that damage would be erased and if not then I would accept that as well.

God says to love others. Hatred stirs up conflict but love covers up all wrongs. I am so blessed to have been given the gift of clear vision. I see now what is real and true and what is meant for harm. I am so happy to be surrounded by love and so many wildly different types of people. People I could have never dreamed of meeting or knowing. I choose happiness and love and complete forgiveness of both myself and everyone I am involved with. This life is fleeting but you can choose to be brave and strong at any moment. It is so much easier to be happy but it is also a practice like anything important. I am present and open and filled with gratitude.

I give people the grace I expect for myself. I show up. I am the person I wish everyone else would be. I am exactly who I always needed. It is unnatural and uncomfortable to face things head on, to put all your vulnerability on full display and just be ok with the outcome. I want that. I would always rather walk through fire than stay the same. I will meet you where you are today because yesterday doesn’t exist anymore. You only have right now. Tell the ones you love that you love them because before you know it they will be in that van. That person you hate used to be someone that mattered. Well you matter to me. My parents matter to me. My family matters to me and I will always let them know. Thank you God for seeing me before I could see myself.❤

See me.

It’s so fascinating how much power you have in this world. You have this profound and magical power to transform a person’s entire life view and in doing so also changing your own. You literally can alter the life path and spirit of those you come into contact with…why don’t some people see this?

When you are small your beliefs come as a result of those who care for you. Your ability to trust, to share, to love openly but mostly your feelings about your inherent worth. Critical and unpredictable affection leaves children confused and consumed with a constant feeling of being at least mildly unlovable…or in my case feeling profoundly unworthy and unattractive.

I have almost 0 memories of my childhood. I do remember the vague and constant sense of unease that I felt. I remember that no matter what I did it was probably wrong and I probably would be told at some point that I had “wrecked the day” I heard that a lot. I remember more than anything that no one ever seemed excited to see me. No one’s eyes ever lit up because of my presence no matter how hard I tried. I felt worthless at 6 and extremely ugly…everything I saw said if you were beautiful you made people happy and I made people so unhappy I assumed I must be disgusting and dirty and mostly ugly.

Ugliness is not necessarily a hideous face and body. Ugliness is a feeling. It’s the mirror of your parents expressions where the reflection was always angry or distracted or disinterested. It was excruciating for a little girl who just so deeply wanted to fix everything. A small soul who wanted to be enough even if I wasn’t perfect. Finally I thought maybe I could fix it all by disappearing. I started praying God would just take me away so everyone would be happy…just take me God! I don’t deserve to live.

In my dystopian world that turned into eating disorders, self harm, panic attacks and abuse of anything that turned off my own horribly critical mind. For the majority of my life I was trying to go away, go away from myself. Pain was my everyday and I had not even 1 moment of authentic happiness until I was an adult.

Happiness came when I was free from judgment. It came when I ignored everything I was ever taught about life and what made me worthy, and with that I slowly overcame all my issues entirely through the power of my own will and with near constant prayer. God was always with me even when I had completely abandoned myself.

I remember holding my daughter after she was born and realizing that every bit of love I had in my body…the love I never got, the love I always dreamed of, the love I never allowed myself, the unconditional forever magical pure love was in my arms. I was healed. I was healed in that moment.

Incredibly hard work and millions of mistakes followed but I was healing and I was healing all the generations to follow. THAT was my purpose. I mattered. I was important. I had a reason that was so so so much bigger than I could have ever understood and every single excruciating moment in my life had a purpose as well.

When my daughter wakes up I jump into her bed and kiss her face and twirl her in circles and I know my eyes light up because every morning I wake up excited to see her and kiss her and just be with her. Every “watch me mommy” and note she writes me is a treasure to me. Every time I light up for her I also am lighting up for the little girl I once was. I feel genuinely like the luckiest human ever to live that I get to shower this child with adoration and security and that I get to be loved by her. What a prize she is.

When you deeply heal you also become tender in those damaged places…you drop the defensiveness. My love for my family is the most authentic it has ever been. I feel a softness and love for my parents and their pain. The children they once were. I see pictures of these sweet innocent faces and wish I could have loved them unconditionally so they could have seen me and adored me. I wish I could heal their families and I wish you could heal generations backwards as well as forward but unfortunately I have no ability to fix what they can’t see and it’s also not my job. But I can accept them as is and I can see how beautiful they are and how well meaning and I can take the pressure off them because I no longer need them to adore me because I am already adored.

I don’t care about messes or perfection or what others think. I don’t care who is against me because I know God and my daughter are for me and literally nothing compares to that. I know I am filling this sweet soul with complete confidence and strong love of God and the total knowledge that she is adored as is. I know that while my parents don’t have the emotional ability to light up for me I now can light up for them. I can be excited when they wake up and I can love them for exactly who they are right now.

I never ever thought I could heal from the pain of my life but as it turns out that pain was a blessing because I have a gratitude and joy that transformed my life and I have more love to give than I ever knew possible..and finally after all this time I also can accept that love for myself and that simple act is the most magnificent and magical of all.

Thank you God for loving me when I was unlovable.

Joy comes after you become you.

My life and my spirit have always been an exact reflection of my self worth and inner state. You have to know with certainty who you are…the real you…to experience true and constant joy. I wonder sometimes if the pain I have experienced in my life was actually just God refining me towards a meaningful life filled with purpose.

Long story short, I simply gave up my expectations (based on my extremely limited vision) for whatever God’s will would be for my life.

It sounds so simple but it actually requires an intense refinement of your thoughts. I always felt certain something external would fix whatever was troubling me. A huge house, abundant wealth… but there isn’t enough money on earth to heal a broken soul or an unhappy relationship or a meaningless life. There are zero “things” that can quiet the struggle inside you. Also happiness truly isn’t expensive, it is simple and pure and fills you in a way nothing else can. It’s love and peace and it belongs to you and it can’t be taken or lost.

Living a life that I find honorable fills me. Giving of my time and any resources I have gives more to me than whomever I am helping and because I do everything with my daughter it is soul changing for her well. She learned to give a genuine compliment to random people and their reactions lit her up so beautifully…you just never know the power you have to change a person’s entire day.

My life is my testimony. The fact that I’m here and beyond grateful and that I wake up and say thank you while twirling under the stars. The fact that I have a daughter who is not only my favorite person but also my greatest teacher and joy. The relationships I have with my parents and the understanding of who they are is just nothing short of a miracle!

Probably one of God’s greatest gifts to me (outside of my daughter) was having to move in with my parents. My feelings and long held resentments and just blinding anger had me screaming at God “WHAT IN THE WORLD! WHY DID YOU PLACE ME BACK IN HELL!?” Well…Thank you God. I had a choice…I could be angry and awful (I was) or I could be quiet and listen and try to see where they were coming from. I could help and be an example and most of all I could let my daughter experience her grandparents with zero filter. Well, that sucked…but only until I put my ego and pride aside and saw the honestly astounding humans in front of me.

My parents are people. Sometimes, even as an adult, you forget. They are broken and flawed and kind and honorable and doing their best. My dad is grumpy and frustrating and haunted and sensitive and shy and loyal and the most protective and generous man I have ever known. He gives until he has nothing. He will show up to help you no matter the hour no matter the issue. He will be the 1st person to save you and will worry about everyone and everything non stop. He will also offend you because he has no filter and he will be devastated if you get mad because he will have no clue what is wrong. He is complicated and the best grandfather in the universe.

My mom will spend 45 minutes explaining how to use the new shampoo she bought and hold the shampoo hostage so you are forced to listen to “you pour a small amount in your hand and then put it on wet hair…WET! ARE YOU LISTENING?” But she will also search high and low for your favorite things and encourage you to buy things that make you feel better. She will always laugh and desires nothing more than seeing her family happy and joyful and safe. She doesn’t hate a single soul and is very much still the little girl she once was. She just loves people and sunflowers and mostly she loves my dad and just worships her grandchildren. She is simple and kindhearted and believes God answers prayer and she prays for each family member 100 thousand times a day.

I am blessed and grateful and know how to use shampoo. I have learned patience and tolerance and that life is way too short to not find the good. There is so much good. It is so easy to pass judgment and be critical but if you don’t want to be judged…well you know the rest.

I choose to live my life privately because I want a happy and wholesome existence. I don’t allow devices or distractions in our lives and I am very purposeful in my parenting. I put God first and believe that offers a shelter for my daughter in difficult times and also a base of morality which the world currently seems to lack. I am happy with what I have and have gone from praying for everything to praying for enough because that is all I need. Thank you God for everything good and bad because it led me to today and today I am filled with joy.

My world❤

My world used to be so small. So so small. I really had to throw all my insecurities out the window to create the life and love I have today. I look back at who I felt I was and am so grateful God had his hand on me because wow my life was a mess!

I spent many years completely alone and depressed and isolated and then decided to get into an awful relationship with someone I literally couldn’t stand and who had a hard core mental illness. But I also feel grateful for that because I had to hit much lower than rock bottom to wake up and claim my life back. You can always reclaim your life and live in your purpose!

One day my daughter and I just jumped on a plane to meet her brothers and sister who she had never met. We with virtually zero notice packed our bags and headed off to meet these people we didn’t know and nothing ever felt more right. I felt zero anxiety or fear. In fact I felt nothing but joy. It turned out to be a life changing moment in both of our lives.

Our lives are so full. My sweet daughter has this group of kids who she immediately loved and it was like they had always been together ❤ That bloodline also became her tiny forever. What a spectacular present. They spent every single second together and there was not one fight. My heart was overflowing with happiness at seeing her with 4 brothers and her dream sister who she idolizes.

The day I claimed my life my life claimed me. Me changing my view on myself also changed my daughter’s life forever. She has a huge family now and although I am her entire world she loves nothing more than telling her friends about her modern family and she feels such pride in being different. I am so proud of myself…it’s so funny to me how I wake up everyday and just feel so proud of myself.

You forgot to love yourself.

I remember looking at my ex and knowing that if I had a shred of self esteem I never would have acknowledged him…but I didn’t and I threw away many years believing perhaps I had a problem loving (I don’t) or that maybe I was just scared or damaged by my family (his near constant whisper in my ear) and I couldn’t handle complete devotion.

I listened to his passive aggressive crap about my family for years while also watching him sleep soundly as I got up and did all the work…I listened to the complaints about me while he sat in his underwear “looking” for a job for years but also took note of the fact that he would not work forever unless it was a CEO position. He would let everyone suffer rather than lower himself to actually help…

I am a strong willed person and that is what saved me. I was not the one to believe the nonsense about my family because I have both a brain and extreme devotion to those I love. It is one of hundreds of signs when your spouse tries to convince you your family is flawed. When they try to isolate you from your friends and family and then when they become deeply unhappy or agitated when you go against these wishes…and God forbid you go speak of their family they way they so freely speak of yours.

Soon you find you have lost most contact with the ones who adore you. You have no friends where you used to have many. Your joys are not shared and so you give them up. The ones who make you laugh and happy also bring guilt because you feel like you are in some way betraying the one at home, and then when you get home you are put down but told “I was joking” and your life is one huge mess.

Extremely damaged people can make hell feel like home.

I found that I had to be numb in one way or another to just be ok and when I worked hard and got very healthy his unhappiness and tears became near constant. When I got angry about his not having a job the passive aggressive crap began then the kissing up in a ridiculous way and then tears and when you don’t give in then you will get the threats. Suicide was a big one. He went to that one frequently and obviously it was my fault…all of his failures were in fact partially or entirely my fault.

I am brave. I am worthy of a beautiful life. I am an amazing soul who has gifts and humor and finds happiness in loving others…so I left. I got every single threat known to man but I was done and it became predictable and transparent. You can’t make a person kill themselves! That is obvious but not obvious when you’re in deep. You are not responsible for another adults mental health, they are. If someone truly loves you they will do what needs to be done. They contribute. They love your family because you marry the family as well. They don’t ever make fun of you and your personality or hobbies or being. They don’t try to damage your relationships (this one will haunt you later.) They don’t watch you go crazy while doing nothing and then suddenly beg and plead when you lose it. This is very literally the opposite of love and one day you wake up and if you’re lucky your gone and it’s then that you see that this person was completely incapable of actual love. They needed you because just think about where they would be if you left?

I am deeply in love with my life now and it looks nothing like I thought it would. I wake up happy and go to bed happy and work my butt off happy and have a relationship with my parents I didn’t know possible. Everything I thought was wrong. My father sat me down and told me that I was a joy!! My mother said how grateful she was to have me to talk to! My neighbors all gave my daughter and I gifts because we have really close friendships and I have more love in my life than I ever had even as a child.

Every second you decide what your life will be.

Me then you.

I’m not sure if I’m a normal human. Sometimes the feeling of having lived before is so profound…the ability to empathize with the unseen in far away lands or the familiarity of a landscape I’ve never seen. Or maybe it’s just that my soul so desires to see, touch and taste everything this world has to offer…I feel claustrophobic just staying within the walls of my own perceived “space.”

I look back on my struggles and feel such frustration at my simple and egocentric life…what a waste. My need to be numb to avoid the screaming in my head “YOU’RE NOT WHERE YOU BELONG!” I had no one to guide me or explain to me that perhaps my mind was bigger than my world. That I was feeling caged and the same and I wanted to be free and different.

I wanted to learn about every single culture and to use my hands to create. I wanted to understand the looks in people’s eyes and I didn’t want to miss anything. I wanted to help and to build and to be a part of the world not just the tiny little world allotted to you when you follow life’s rules. I don’t love rules.

When I had my daughter it was just us (still is) and I was so excited at the ability to fill her spirit with everything so she could take on this world. I wanted to foster in her a deep love for life. A knowledge that the world is vast and textured and hers. That she is not limited to only the ground in front of her and that learning is a gift, a prize…and it extends far beyond textbooks.

I desire to raise a child who is not the same! The world doesn’t need millions of kids staring at their phones. We definitely do not need another kid scrolling through Instagram and Snapchatting their way through to adulthood repeating the nonsense that they are told matters. I owe it to HER children to grow her fully. I owe it to the world to raise a woman who engages entirely and brilliantly with everything around her.

So now we homeschool. We do spelling tests in magical forests and math outside of a museum. We wish on stars at 4am then learn about astronomy by pointing out constellations and watching videos of the space lab. We make friends with people from other cultures and religions and we learn about them and who they are. We live and adventure and play because that is what really matters.

I am raising a child who is brave, well mannered, well rounded and interesting. A child who is deeply empathetic and who looks into your eyes and holds your hand. Someone who wants to take care of others and who also loves to be taken care of. She will always help the child who falls down but also will just walk away if someone is unkind…at 6 she knows her worth. That is my prize❤

Every day is God’s gift to me and what I do is my gift to God…or maybe who I raise is my gift.

Continue reading “Me then you.”

Go outside.

Did you know many kids average only 4 to 7 minutes outside per day!? Those same kids average over 6 hours per day on screens…video games, social media not to mention online school…just reading that gives me anxiety.

I have opted for a polar childhood for my daughter. She is outside for the majority of the day everyday. We do watch TV together but we mostly adventure and play. The benefits are blatant and beautiful and undeniable for both of us.

The author Tom Corley compiled a test telling about how to raise our children to be successful and happy in life and it puts kids in one of six categories giving the likelihood of success later in life…not even one question related to success in school or test scores! The questions related to strong relationships, gratitude, self care (exercise, sleep, limiting junk food and screen time, etc.) Being responsible with money, being a life long learner.

It seems we as parents focus so much on school success and extracurricular activities in order to create a well rounded child that we forget that perhaps these aren’t the things that truly matter. These aren’t the areas that facilitate true happiness or success later in life. What about the value in areas that can’t necessarily be measured?

I decided early that I wanted my daughter to see the magical parts of the life. To see outside as the ultimate playground. I knew that for me finding dragonflies and baby frogs was far superior to artificial light and staring at a screen. I also see the direct relationship between the amount of time I spend outside and my mood so I knew it would also be healing, educational and bonding for us as a family.

We start our day with a walk in our jammies. Just a little walk to see the stars (we get up early) and to pick flowers for potions and to decide on the direction our day will take. It is one of my favorite traditions and always sets the tone for the day.

Sunlight regulates human physiology and behavior. Sunlight effects hundreds of bodily functions because our bodies have daily rhythms that require exposure to the sun’s day and night schedule to function at its highest level. When you consider that humans spend over 90% of their waking hours indoors our decision to spend the majority of our day outside feels like such an act of rebellion.

I desire to raise a whole, brilliant, kind and interesting human who talks to you while looking into your eyes. I am so changed by living this way and encourage anyone to try it for a week and watch the immediate benefits.


I’m so happy. I mean I have a near constant state of gratitude and peace that I never ever EVER thought possible. I feel mostly joy and I don’t feel terribly weighed down by the problems of others.

For as long as I can remember I have had anxiety. Sinking into the center of the earth anxiety. Praying God would take me anxiety…literally trying every drug, herb, food and distraction anxiety. And then I gave up…

Giving up for me meant stopping every single thing that altered my brain. I wanted to know me if I was going to let go of me. I knew intuitively that if I needed a drug to deal with my feelings then something was wrong with my environment or my perception of my situation or the people I was surrounding myself with..nothing was ever wrong with me specifically. I retrospectively can say that the only times I’ve been truly alive is as a young child and in the past 7 years and that’s not to say there hasn’t been tough times…but in the past 2 years there have been few.

I absolutely had to go through hell to get back to that childhood state of wonder and grace. I had to lay on the bathroom floor dealing with insomnia and not knowing if I would live through the pain. I had to revisit every shitty moment and abuse and insecurity and I had to turn my life entirely over to God who I wasn’t even sure was listening. Try praying for a sign at these times!! Absolutely nothing happened. Apparently you can’t manipulate God.

I also had to be ok with the fact that every relationship I had was not going to stay the same. Some would end, some would alter and some would grow in ways I couldn’t imagine. I had to be ok with losing everything to get me back and I was and in some ways I did lose everything and I wish deeply I had done it sooner.

Those relationships that require you to not be 100% authentically yourself are not real and they have little service to you outside of being a comfortable hell that you are too scared to leave. I miss nothing of my life before. Not one single second.

I gave myself entirely to God and it gave me a peace and gratitude that I knew at 7. I had to find a relationship with God that served me and my path and because I was raised in church and I felt confused by the hate and judgment that was preached near constantly. That isn’t God. God created us perfect. Gay, single, divorced, flawed, sinners, screw ups, broken, transgender…it doesn’t matter. We are perfect to God. We are enough. I am enough.

I don’t question my path because I have been on it long enough to know it is perfect for me. I have absolutely no need to alter myself to deal with my day. I sometimes struggle with people and then realized that generally those aren’t my people…I am happy and no it wasn’t easy and yes it took so long to see the benefits but all the things I was searching for externally were already there. The relationships I craved came when I was clear and open to recieving them and many of my deepest dreams started coming true and they looked nothing like I thought they would.

I am whole. I always was but this world and the people we surround ourselves with can tell us otherwise and it’s a lie and once you understand that you start to see you can have everything and you deserve that.. no matter who you are. I am not perfect and I never will be in the world’s eyes but I am to God and that is enough. I’m a better person and I can love you entirely because I love me.

New Word

I’ve been holding my breath.

When things got strange and talk of a virus began I blew it off. No big deal!! Who cares! You have a young child at home and half your year is fighting off one weird sickness after another so…what’s one more cough. Ugh. It was more. Life was about to change.

I used to pray life would slow down. Once school starts for kids the days become fast forward and rigid… hurry hurry hurry!!! Running from home to school to home to errands to food then back to school then hurry hurry hurry or we will be late to gymnastics then dinner then 7 minutes of quality time before trying not to shriek GO TO SLEEP because you have to be up at 5 if you want a minute alone to drink your coffee in peace then saying sorry 87 times to the sleeping child because you feel so guilty about rushing and you miss them already.

Now we find ourselves doing ALL the quality things. Literally all of them. All day…that is almost all we do. I’m going crazy. My child is going crazy because I am going crazy. Life has altered and I wasn’t prepared.

I woke up this morning realizing that life is forever different. I had been holding my breath waiting to be set free. Waiting to rush to the park and laugh with the moms and watch the kids euphoric to see each other. To grocery shop listening to cheesy music while older people smiled at my wild child dancing through the aisles eating a opened snack. To be annoyed at the long walk to the beach because the parking lot was so full. I had been waiting! DAMN!

That’s not going to happen is it. That magical day is not coming in two weeks or two months. This is life now and we have to settle in just like we settled into every new phase of our lives…but I wasn’t prepared for this change and I guess I am going to need to mourn the loss of the old. I am going to have to feel the anxiety and let my child feel hers as well and then life will go on…whatever that means now.

I feel scared. Not of the virus. I feel scared of the loss of freedom…how interesting. My perception of the world has permanently altered and I feel a loss of control and it feels scary. I wonder how I will reflect on this in a year? How will I feel proud of myself? What will I wish I had accomplished? When will I take my pajamas off..