I was reading this book that I didn’t want to read and came across the line “We’d rather have the questions than the answers” I sat there realizing how much of my life that encompassed. I keep asking the same questions over and over instead of hearing the answer. Obviously, like a child, I just don’t like the current answer. I feel like if I repeat and rephrase a billion times then maybe I will get a good answer. The one I’ve rehearsed in my mind over and over. The one where I jump up and down in total joy. You will catch me when I fall right? God?
My daughter is fearless, she has no thoughts as to whether she is strong or capable. She knows she is loved beyond love and she knows she is safe so trying new things is just an utter thrill for her. She doesn’t think about failing because to her if she fails then she gets to try again. That is where the fun is. I feel like if I could wrap my head around the way I love and adore my daughter then I would have the tiniest glimpse of how deeply God loves me. If I believed myself worthy of the love I offer then could I live this freely as well? What keeps me from seeing myself the way I see this precious child?
I love writing. Not because I’m particularly skilled or inspiring but because when I’m flipping out I can scream into my journals and I can cry or praise or whatever feeling is consuming me. It is magical to write your prayers, questions, pleas… I have a lot of frantic prayers. But it’s also where I sit in awe at the prayers I wrote years ago that have been answered in ways unexpected. The little prayers and the “only God” ones. It’s where I begged God to heal my mom and then where I sobbed after she died. It’s the endless stories about horses and then the thank you for the breathtaking horse standing before me. And the most astonishing one of all, this girl who I have poured my soul into and who loves me with her entire being✨
I’m currently in a very noticeable waiting season. The in-between. Not my favorite place in the universe. I have worked, struggled, thrived, and turned myself inside out. I have become who I believe God wants me to be. But I am not where I would like to be in my life. Gestures dramatically at everything 🙄
In my dream, I suddenly have the financial ability to buy this huge ranch! I use it to help all the animals that we adore. We bring all the unwanted horses and goats and obviously cows (and cats, ducks, pigs, chickens, goats) and give them beautiful lives. We also bring the people God has given us and it becomes this gathering place where the kitchen is always full and there is always laughter. We partner with our church and have retreats and small groups. It is a place holy to God. The hurting people adore the animals and in turn the animals can help heal the people. It’s the most magical place✨ no one is cold or hurting or hungry. God is at the center of everything.
But for now, I kiss every furry nose and I copy my daughter in her fearlessness. I ask God every day to show me what I can do and every single day Jesus answers 💕 God, I bring my dreams to you, I bring my will to you. Remove anything not of you because everything you do ends up better than what I want. But if you want to give me the ranch it would be amazing because the car is already filled with an entire bale of straw (feral kitty) 50 pounds of chicken food, horse grain, and dog treats (we don’t have a dog) and 2 boxes of Cheerios because it makes goats happy. Or maybe you could just remove this dream so we have somewhere to sit in this car 🙄 I roll my eyes a lot! See… Repeat and rephrase. God probably rolls his eyes at me too❤️
HeidiBond❤ 