Radiant✨

When I watch my daughter dance, all legs and limbs, I feel the most indescribable love mixed with a soft sadness for my own little self. She dances for joy. She has zero worries. She leaps and rolls and flails with the confidence of a professional. She is secure in her identity. She is never trying to fit any mold, she just shines her own unique light and it is the most beautiful and freeing thing I’ve ever seen.

When I was young and all the way until I was far from young I made up who I was. I decided to be French when I was 10 because that felt like it ensured a certain level of fancy. I would daydream about the limo coming to pick me up and how my entire class would just be shocked when the driver interrupted class to take me to my rightful place. It was so jarring when I looked down and was still sitting in school and not even a little bit French. Rude.

I don’t know why I had such a deep dislike of myself. I made my life hell and as I got older it only got worse. I decided in my late 20s to be 18 because then I would have more time to figure out this life. I also decided to be extremely important and intolerably brilliant. That must have been fun for those who knew me. I was committed to being whoever I created only in the hopes that I would (like Pinocchio) become a real girl. The one who was worthy and special and the one who would be loved. WHAT ON EARTH!!! Where did this come from??

Well, God saw this and, obviously, knew my heart, and decided to give me a daughter later in life. Pregnancy was torture because I had zero control! When I held my daughter for the first time I was completely in shock. 9 months did nothing to prepare me for this actually happening. I was holding this tiny person and she was going to stay and I was in charge?! Everything changed, but slowly. You don’t just stop being pretend French overnight.

My heart was no longer my own. This little creature was so amazing to me. She looked at me in a way I had never experienced and she needed me. That is such a beautiful thing, to be needed. She adored me because I was her mommy. She adored ME. I was more than enough for her. She didn’t care what I looked like or about what I did, she only cared that I existed. Her entire face would light up when I walked into the room and she would hold me so tightly. She healed my heart ❤️ I love her beyond love.

I look at her and desire to be ME. Funny, how, a billion years later, all I want is to be myself. I want to be free, joyful, and wondrous. You can ONLY be that by being totally and unapologetically yourself. God created me wildly different and every one of those differences is what those I truly love love about me. I am as much of a miracle as this precious girl.

God chose me and I’m choosing to be exactly the woman he created me to be. We are all radiant in our uniqueness and we all find our way into womanhood despite the trillions of obstacles. Priscilla Shirer wrote in her book Radiant “I’ve got you.” I say this to my daughter every time she’s scared. I say this to any woman struggling. I’ve already done all the stupid stuff, so, I’ve got you❤️ Forever and ever amen.