I woke up in the best mood! I had slept, and I didn’t feel anxious or heavy. Everyone in the house seemed healthy and life was generally good. I started the day with journaling while I drank my tea and then came to a chapter in my book that almost seemed absurd. The author was talking about how you know when you’re living right with God. She shared about several women whose lives were very reminiscent of hell. These women were profound believers yet one had spent her life praying she could leave her job so she could care for her family and as that prayer was answered she was diagnosed with a horrible disease and found out her husband was cheating!! Then the author even expressed her envy because of their faith, she lamented over her desire to have this level of faith! OH MY GOSH! Lauren has leprosy!! I’m so jealous of her faith…. I don’t really want leprosy, Lord! Not even a tiny bit, not even at all.
Months ago I was talking to a woman about my struggle to find work while caring for my family. I was in a particularly difficult period and was scared and anxious. This woman has many millions of dollars but her response to me was one of envy. She expressed a similar sentiment. You have nothing, Heid, you are completely relying on God. She said she was in awe of my faith. Be less in awe I thought, but as I look back on my life I am the woman in this chapter! I have lived in hell and my faith is unshakable! I always turn to God. I believe fully in the supernatural provision of God. But, BUT, I do not want to be the example of profound faith in this way! Look at Heidi, she is drooling in the corner because she was shot through the head with a spear and her entire family died and she can only eat one almond because she developed colitis because of the spear but I’m so jealous of her faith!! No, thank you.
It’s a mixed feeling because I do see those around me who lack any faith and who seem to never have peace. I see friends who have seemingly everything who sit with 90 million crystals in their face to help with debilitating depression. I see parents who have just given up on their children and who now join them in different levels of debauchery. Is my life easy breezy? No. But is my life filled with moments of complete awe? Beyond! I have had God answer very specific prayers over and over and over. I have seen supernatural provision in every area of my life. I guess I’m ok being envied if the result is someone deciding to pray and forgive.
I am pretty happy for a person who could potentially develop leprosy this year. I trust God even when I interfere and delay everything good. I look at my daughter, my dad who just recovered from a month in the hospital, our dream barn where our horse is being boarded, my kitty attacking my pen, my fluffy bed, my wall covered with prayers that are being answered one by one. I do have a beautiful faith. God IS good all the time. Right now I’m trying to not to “fix” everyone around me. I’m trying to enjoy. Enjoy the rain outside my window, this really yummy tea, the sleeping girl whom I just kissed softly, my life. I would be ok being envied for the good things now. I’m totally ok with spectacular things happening so I can show my faith in that way. I am super strong and don’t really want to be stronger. Ok, God? And I PROMISE if you have leprosy or 7 dollars and a family to support I will NEVER tell you how much I envy you. Maybe I will be secretly inspired but I’m here to help. Forever.
I see how all the hard times have shaped me into a really solid person. My joy is astronomical at times purely because I have been through painful times. I laugh and find humor everywhere and I love. I deeply love. If I could go back and erase all those horrible times but it also erased my belief then honestly I would say no. I can walk through fire and then laugh hysterically at my hair. Thank you, God. Maybe all of the hard stuff is something to envy?
HeidiBond❤ 