New Word

I’ve been holding my breath.

When things got strange and talk of a virus began, I blew it off. No big deal!! Who cares! You have a young child at home, and half your year is fighting off one weird sickness after another, so…what’s one more cough. Ugh. It was more. Life was about to change.

I used to pray that life would slow down. Once school starts for kids, the days become fast forward and rigid… hurry, hurry, hurry!!! Running from home to school to home to errands to food then back to school then hurry hurry hurry or we will be late to gymnastics then dinner then 7 minutes of quality time before trying not to shriek GO TO SLEEP because you have to be up at 5 if you want a minute alone to drink your coffee in peace then saying sorry 87 times to the sleeping child because you feel so guilty about rushing and you miss them already.

Now we find ourselves doing ALL the quality things. Literally, all of them. All day…that is almost all we do. I’m going crazy. My child is going crazy because I am going crazy. Life has altered, and I wasn’t prepared.

I woke up this morning realizing that life is forever different. I had been holding my breath, waiting to be set free. Waiting to rush to the park and laugh with the moms and watch the kids euphoric to see each other. To grocery shop listening to cheesy music while older people smiled at my wild child dancing through the aisles, eating an open snack. To be annoyed at the long walk to the beach because the parking lot was so full. I had been waiting! DAMN!

That’s not going to happen, is it. That magical day is not coming in two weeks or two months. This is life now and we have to settle in just like we settled into every new phase of our lives…but I wasn’t prepared for this change and I guess I am going to need to mourn the loss of the old. I am going to have to feel the anxiety and let my child feel hers as well, and then life will go on… whatever that means now.

I feel scared. Not of the virus. I feel scared of the loss of freedom…how interesting. My perception of the world has permanently altered, and I feel a loss of control, and it feels scary. I wonder how I will reflect on this in a year? How will I feel proud of myself? What will I wish I had accomplished? When will I take my pajamas off..