I woke up this morning covered in kitties with my daughter sprawled sideways across my bed. My sheets felt warm and soft, and my daughter’s hair smelled like flowers and coconut. What a dream… I didn’t care that an hour earlier I had stepped in cat food or that I had been woken up at 1am by a cat flying across the bed like a mental patient. I felt happy. Everything I have chosen makes me happy. My little light of a child makes me happy. She loves me like a mirror. My words and actions were repeated back to me. My overwhelming love and my willingness to say yes to everything (almost) have her able to love in the most outright and authentic way, and if I say, “let’s go on an adventure at 5am,” she jumps out of bed in her jammies because that’s how we live. That feels like a prize.
My entire life before my daughter was born was spent fighting. Fighting to be seen, fighting for myself, fighting against everything I was told, constant fighting. I had a physical reaction to correction, and it was not positive. I needed to do it my way, and I obsessively walked in the direction I chose regardless of whether or not it was the right direction. I was just going to walk off the damn cliff to prove a point. Screw everyone. That may have been my unfortunate motto. It was tiring and often times dangerous.
My transformation astounds me. I forgive and feel and love and mostly laugh. Those crazy times made me a really good mommy and a really solid human. What a ride.
Life is a trip. My dad looked up at me sheepishly recently. He had reconnected with an old friend in the midst of my moms progressing dementia. It was so funny because literally a week earlier, my daughter and I had held hands in the car and prayed for friends and connection for him. At first, I wasn’t sure how to feel, but I thought about what I would want if I was sick. I would want my family to be loved. Deeply loved and adored. The idea that he could find joy and happiness now is a completely magical thought. My navy seal/ iron man triathlon athlete/ honor driven dad smiling… that’s new.
I’m really grateful. I’m on a roller-coaster currently. Everything is really wonderful/terrifying. Pain of loss is freaking awful, but I trust those I lose are in heaven. A daughter who is my precious love and who is on this dang roller-coaster with me. Luckily, we make each other laugh constantly, and we both have a very strong faith. We have chickens 🙄 that’s new. I told God I wanted a ranch, and since it’s not happening in my time-line apparently we are just starting one at the house.
I’m just going to write endlessly now. I write entirely to myself, but that’s ok. It’s the best therapy outside of animals 💖
If you keep all your writing, the good and the bad, and the angered, you start to see your own transformation. I spent so much time selfishly angry at my parents when they were just on their own path. I expected unconditional love, yet I didn’t offer it. I didn’t make room for brain disease or personal sadness. I was wrong. The things that are happening around me are opening my eyes in such a special way. Random aside, I know… But what a trip!!
HeidiBond❤ 