Mom 12/21/23

My mom died at 1:32 this morning. She had gone to the hospital a week earlier with a very small stroke but had been home for 4 days. She was happy and laughing and so beautifully clear. She told us all she loved us and everything seemed so happy.

Yesterday, around lunchtime she really wanted me to take her shopping. She was really excited about Christmas and we needed to get a bunch of presents. We were sitting in her office trying on rain boots, and suddenly, she had her hand on her head. Are you ok, mom? I asked her, and she said yes, that she had a little headache.

It wasn’t a headache. It was a severe brain bleed. She went from laughing and joyful to an induced coma in less than an hour. We went from excited at her recovery to sobbing in a hospital room, unable to cope. I haven’t gone to bed. My mom is gone forever.

Please pray for our family. My mom is deeply loved. With all our flaws, we are a family that loves one another beyond explanation. No one will ever love me as truly as my mom did. I’m broken.

It’s Christmas morning. I didn’t sleep. My body is vibrating with that weird energy that comes with extreme exhaustion. My daughter woke up every hour until midnight, determined to see Santa. My dad told me he had booked tickets to visit his friend in Oklahoma. I can’t breathe. I didn’t think I would feel this panicky. It is my first Christmas without my mom. My first Christmas with my father who instantly became a stranger.

I never realized how meaningless words are at a time like this. Everyone says sorry. I’m sorry, too. Everyone asks what they can do… Can you bring my mom back? I hate lasagna. Can you give me a sign she’s OK? Can you tell me how life works now because it feels like a house off-center. I don’t know how to be. So surreal.

I miss the you I remember. I play that day over and over and over. Laughing, headache, tubes everywhere, then sobbing. Life is truly short. You literally HAVE to do the things you are scared of. I am glad I feel so deeply, even though right at this second everything is awful.

Last night, I just felt her say, “I’m free, I’ve been set free.” I know she was released from a horrible illness. She was allowed a joyful day before leaving and surrounded by us. She didn’t suffer… at least not in her leaving. Death is something I was not prepared for. I know I will go through 8 million moods today and maybe forever, but it also taught me so much. Don’t judge people or be unkind. You will regret that later. LIVE. Life is extremely short. Say I love you a billion times a day. Enjoy that time you have. All the trying to live longer by obsessively eating salad is just taking away today. Say sorry and mean it.

I took care of my mom as best I could. I told her I loved her constantly. I said sorry for everything I ever did or felt. I actually did that long before she became noticeably sick because I wanted to heal that part of both of us. Do that because that act alone has saved me. I said everything… before she was dying. And I meant it.

My mom died with an incredible relationship with her son, who called her several times a day. A healthy daughter who spent her days hanging out with her and putting her to bed most nights. A granddaughter who watched ridiculous shows with her and sang songs with her. Her deepest wishes came true. I am completely healthy and together. Dad was taking her to church.  She knew we would be ok. I hope she knew.

I love you, mom. See you later. I sure miss you.