Yes

I started saying yes to God reluctantly. It wasn’t a yes in the beginning. I had no other options, so my yes became the only answer possible. There was a fair amount of screaming and foot stomping in the beginning. I remember when I was in the bath in the depths of hell. I was sick from drinking the night before, and my heart was breaking wondering where God was in all my misery. I looked on the floor and saw a magazine, the cover read “If you’re looking for God you’ve already found him.” That moment started my journey.

God decided that I should be with my family.  Why?? Well, I ended up helping my grandmother for 8 years on sporadic weekends with my daughter. We had a lot of crazy adventures with Grandma. She had me crawl onto her roof to get rid of a ring-tailed cat and didn’t even get mad when instead of getting rid of it, I fed it jam and made it a bed. We decorated her house on holidays, went with her to get her ears pierced, and ate endless ice cream. She even convinced me to go skydiving with her on her 90th birthday. In the end, we held her hand on the day she died. She was never alone.

After my grandmother passed away, my mother became extremely sick. My daughter and I tried endlessly to make her laugh. We took her shopping and on walks and had a routine every night where we watched something she liked, then we talked to her for hours before we put her to bed. We bought her things to help with her confused mind, which made everything worse, but we did it with pure love. We treated her gently and spent 90% of the day looking for lost things. I will forever be grateful for that time. I quit my job so I could be there any time she needed me and that last year we did almost 0 school work. It was devastating and scary but a blessing.

On December 20th, just months after my grandmother died, my mom was in her office in a happy mood. My daughter was on the floor doing her school work, and I was just talking with mom. She wanted rain boots, so I went through her closet and found 2 nearly new pairs. I put one on each foot, and she was so excited. I had made lunch, and she kept going into the kitchen and picking at it. She had become obsessed with some random drink, and my dad walked in with it, and she was thrilled. She was dead 10 hours later. God placed me here knowing our love was needed.

Our family, as I knew it, changed immediately. My mom was gone both literally and figuratively. There was no funeral or remembering. In my mind, this would be a time of loving each other and taking care of one another in our grief. But my broken father could not cope, so he filled the space my mom left before she was even gone. I understand on a soul level, but in the world, everything had shifted, and getting our footing was hard in this suddenly wildly different story. My daughter began having nightmares every night. The constant threat to her security was too much for her little heart. Help me, Jesus. I’m lost again.

What is it you have for me here, God? Can I care for my Dad, or is he going to move on and leave us? I understand he needs and deserves a joyful and meaningful life even if it means erasing mom. It seems that our lives move as if on rickety train tracks. Like a ride at Disneyland where the train suddenly jerks to the side and you’re screaming NO, NOT THE SKELETON PATH!! If God is leading, then I follow the path set out before me, even when I don’t understand. John 13:7 “You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.” It feels a little skeletony God… I’m scared.

Now I’m saying yes to every open door. A new ranch asked me to do a couple hours of work a few days a week, and I immediately said yes. I’m trying to figure out how I can do something that pays enough not to be a burden to anyone. I only ever wanted to be a blessing. Maybe I could sell pictures? Maybe my name will get whispered in the ear of someone who needs a person with my exact skills? Maybe someone will donate 47 million dollars to me because they also want a cat sanctuary 🙄I’m saying yes, and thank you for each day. I am positive that this can be a wonderful time if I can stay in today… Does anyone know how to tell my brain that?

I love you God ❤️ thank you for choosing us to serve. Thank you for my daughter. Thank you for my animals ❤️ thank you for the blessings I don’t know about yet.