A mothers heart ♥️

We all need a mom. Someone who you can sit with when your world is falling apart or just someone to tell you that you look beautiful and everything is going to be ok. The one you call when your soul aches from loneliness and just her voice can ease a million bad dreams. She’s home. When you’re in your new apartment or even just a teenager at camp, all you want is to go home. You want your mom. It’s a sacred role. It’s my favorite most cherished job. I am a mom and I was one way before I had my daughter.

I loved my mom but I was far from adored. I was more like a feral cat that was reluctantly allowed to enter the house. I was nearly constantly trying to be tamed. I knew my presence was a source of stress and disdain and that energy became part of my identity as a young girl. I was so lonely and so desperate for love. I was so convinced I was adopted that I tore through pictures looking for proof. I knew my real family would think I was amazing and they were probably from France! I was probably actually a princess! Occasionally I would day dream in school about the limo coming to pick me up and take me to my real family.

I was not adopted, these were my family members and I was just going to have to figure out how to survive in a house where I was the exact opposite of everything they wanted. Everything about me was different. I was horrible in school and uneasy in my skin. I wanted to be incredible but my insecurity was so deafening that I could barely speak. I needed my mom. I needed her to see anything good in me! Not my potential, not what I could be if I lost weight or put on lipstick or applied myself. Me, exactly as I was. It was so hard to be alive. Why am I even here God? I wish I would die.

I called my mom every single day of my entire life. That devotion and need are incredibly powerful. I called every 5 minutes when I got into a relationship that I didn’t want to be in. She never had time to talk. She was on her way to the gym or at the gym or getting ready for bed and it was too stressful. Can we talk about this tomorrow when it won’t keep me awake?? Ok, mom. I will ask you tomorrow. But tomorrow she would be busy too so I just stayed in the relationship until it almost destroyed my life. Obviously, it wasn’t her fault but I needed her. I needed a hug and a kiss on forehead and I needed to know I was loved.

I turned into the mom I would have died for. That was my gift. I could never kiss my daughter enough or tell her she was beautiful enough times. I will just watch her singing to herself sometimes and wonder how someone so perfectly astounding could belong to me. I cherish everything about her! Her humor, her wildness, her precious little heart. I cherish her. Her differences are awe-inspiring to me and to hold her little body is worth more than anything on this earth. The power I hold! Just my being close to her eases her fears and makes her feel safe. I want to feel safe.

God blessed me with women to whom I can run. I have strong women in my life now who serve as mothers, sisters, and daughters. I know the deep and forever soulache of being without that connection and am aware of the blessings all around me. It doesn’t erase that longing but it softens it. I forgive you, Mom. But mostly I love you. I am grateful for you and I miss you. I wish you were here.