What is life✨

I look around at people and the world and wonder what shaped them. I see my past filled with absolute terror and I look at my present where I feel so proud of who I have become. Life is so interesting and odd. I was reading one my my favorite authors Alain De Bottom and thinking about the concept that childhood is actually “a gentle open prison”. I wonder what my daughter will remember of this time? Will she see me with an open hand while also struggling to fill every single need? Me attempting to juggle being a mommy and a full-time caregiver (over and over). Will she remember me being up at 4 to help my parents? Will she only remember me as tired? Rushing to work and then home? Am I creating a safe place in her heart?

A woman was talking to me and said that she was following me on Instagram and saw how wonderful my life was. I was sitting in the VA hospital at the time trying to calm down my hyperventilating child. My daughter was in the middle of state testing and was hysterical and my father was waiting for his name to be called. I had spent forever getting him integrated into the veterans system so that he could get hearing aids and his rheumatoid arthritis had rendered him temporarily unable to drive. I thought about her words and was just filled with a totally irrational joy. Our life is wonderful but it is a very purposeful wonderful. I work extremely hard for the wonderful moments.

I have had to make choices on what I worry about. I can’t physically live if I let all my worries consume me. The what-ifs or the thoughts of tomorrow. A rational person would probably scream at me but I have to trust God right now. I feel in my soul that my job is to care for this precious girl and fill her life with brilliant people and experiences that fill her. It is also my job to be a safe and protective place for my father as he heals from the loss of his wife while simultaneously battling a disease that has taken over his limbs. I am the driver, chef, therapist, and friend. I am also the daughter and mommy and adaptive riding instructor. Plus the teacher, unfortunate gardener, and even more unfortunate handyman. I am trying hard to also be me. This would have been impossible 10 years ago but I’m doing it! I am grateful for this gift.

What would you do if you had nothing to worry about? I would do this. I would love everyone with all of my heart and try to see them in all their beautiful humanness. I would try to give them what filled their soul because that in turn filled mine. If we only have 1 life then right now I’m doing what I would do even if I had a billion dollars. I will let God worry about my future. You got this God, right?