Grief

My heart hurts. I can’t breathe. I will be ok in a little bit, but right now, sadness just floods my being. My mom looked completely herself 3 years ago. If you saw her today, you would think she was her mother. She has a genetic (apparently) type of dementia. She is disappearing right in front of me.

My mom and I had a really difficult relationship. I was not the daughter she would have chosen. I’m really sorry, mom. I’m sorry I was an asshole teenager, I’m sorry I was mean and insecure, I’m sorry I made you cry. I’m sorry you can’t remember your words or which side of the bed you sleep on. I’m sorry God didn’t answer your prayers. I’m just sorry.

I will be her comfort now when she’s scared. I help her get dressed for bed and tell her it will be ok. I am to her now what I’m sure she meant to be for me when I was little. That’s where the grief lies most. She never was soft and gentle with me, but she allows me now to be soft and gentle with her. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring. Sometimes, my heart just burns with grief, and sometimes I’m ok. But you know what’s weird? I’m grateful.

Life doesn’t usually give you the gift of knowing. I have had a tumultuous enough experience that I understand this, and I am grateful for the stability in my spirit. I can (usually) slow way down and help. I feel peace in my ability to love and show up in this phase… even though sometimes it’s really hard. Friends don’t always understand when I pull away. It’s not you it’s my head. My brain is full. It’s hard to express that in a not crazy sounding way.

Everything in my life in the past 5 years has made me understand the importance of today. Forgive today. Say sorry and mean it today. Have fun today. None of this is in a catastrophic way, but in a way that fills each day. That is your gift, not just to others but a profound gift to yourself. It is a beautiful morning. I am so grateful for a really good night’s sleep. A kid sleeping sideways in my bed. An amazing cup of coffee and a kitty purring in my lap. I’m grateful for a horse. I waited a really long time for a horse. I am beyond grateful for friendships that have seen us through high highs and underground lows. I am grateful for God and for some crazy powerful protection… my angels must be exhausted.

I got this. Well, I definitely don’t, but I am definitely going to enjoy as much of the ride as possible. I’m grateful to Delilah, too. Who knew a fat pig would make my heart so happy💖