I am in a new chapter. The experiencing God chapter. Well, the, I am seeking God with all of my heart chapter. I am seeking God above everything. I never realized that if you are seeking God, it is because he is seeking you. I never ever knew that that desire does not come from you on your own. You have to first be sought after. That feels loving and powerful to me. It also feels like a season of silence, though. Profound quiet.
I sit in the mornings, reading my Bible and talking to God. I vent my exact same frustration day after day after day, and nothing happens. I found a church that feels so wonderful, and both my daughter and I are extremely happy there. I joined a small group of women from the church for fellowship and guidance, and my daughter goes as well. I have been obeying what I am told and… nothing.
I look to the sky and yell SHOW ME YOU HEAR ME!!! After a few minutes, exhaustion washes over me, and I realize I’m not getting the signs in the way I ask for them. I’m not in charge. I feel like a child in school who does NOT understand the lesson. I feel alone. Yet, just re-reading my words, I see that changes are happening. I see the ways I was told to move, and for the 1st time in my life, I see myself obeying.
Why are you not answering me, God? You know my heart. You know my desires and devotion. I’m really tired and really frustrated. I feel exactly like I did when I was 8 asking Jesus to be my savior. I would ask and then wait for a second to see if I felt different. Then, I would assume it didn’t work and repeat that cycle over and over until I fell asleep. It didn’t take, I would think to myself. Something is wrong with me. I don’t feel saved. Faith is belief in that which you can not see. Faith is believing when everything seems to be falling apart. Faith is letting friends lose you and letting the world go quiet. It’s really incredibly quiet. But I’m listening.
I have loved you with an everlasting love ❤️ when I read that verse I was consumed with awe, then sadness. I had never experienced that type of love until my daughter. I feared God, but love from another is something I don’t know how to feel. I realized I didn’t feel worthy of God’s love. I didn’t feel worthy of miracles. I want to accept love into my soul. To know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am inherently worthy and that eyes light up when they see me. That’s such a magical thought ✨️ for some reason. When I read those words this time, it changed me. I’m choosing differently today. I’m good at that.
Everything feels serendipitous today. I have been very faithful in my reading and praying, and I realized my questions are primarily on love. I find myself feeling loved and loving at the most random times. Usually, I am totally alone walking through the grocery store or driving the car. Today, I put down the book I was reading, figuring I wouldn’t have the time to focus on it. As I got out of the car, I found BRAVE LOVE, a book I had stopped reading. The chapter I was on was called “What Is Love?” I found myself praying for the people that had hurt me or that I had hurt instead of obsessively thinking about it. I prayed differently. I prayed God would surround them with love. I prayed that wonderful things would happen to them, and I meant it with all my heart. I pray that everyone will feel loved.
I have been transformed over the past 15 years. Some changes were so slow, and some were profound and amazing. For the past 7 years in particular, I have seen my heart change entirely. I see my role in every hard relationship, and I am soft now. I saw my pointing fingers when I was equally to blame. I am incredibly grateful to be able to see. I can’t even believe this is my life!! After what I put my body and mind through, I can not believe that I am healthy and have times of just mind-blowing joy. I used to pray every day that I would die, and now I’m literally singing to animals and thanking God for choosing me.
I’m choosing God. Someone told me once that all truly happy people always have God in their hearts. I think that is because with God, you have hope. I’m in a season of change. I’m tired but grateful. I’m sad at the things I’m watching fade away (my mom) and proud of myself for feeling every second of this instead of numbing my brain as I did constantly in the past.
When I can slow down, I feel the deepest love for myself. I’m really proud of what I’ve overcome. I’m also really grateful for the people who have touched my life. Thank you. ❤️
My list of wishes is pretty tiny now. I know exactly what I desire, and I’ve been pruning my life in order to find that path. My greatest desire is that my daughter be filled with a profound love for God. That she be strong and healthy and that her future husband be filled with that same love. I pray for her future children and her sweet heart, and I pray I don’t go insane during the teen years. I pray for friends who love you and who love us (let them be funny). And I pray for our own ranch where we can take all of our animals and my parents and keep them safe forever. And keep our minds healthy, God. I love you.
HeidiBond❤ 