Signs

God, if my dreams are going to come true, let me see an orange starfish. ✨️

I was driving down the road literally panicking about the future, and I asked God to show me signs that it would be ok. We drove and drove on our way to a festival that I was much too tired to be excited about, so I forced silence on the entire trip, allowing reading only. By some miracle, the car was silent. As we drove, I looked far out into a random field, and I saw a sign that said, “Forever Protected.” I wanted to cry.  That is exactly what my deepest wish has always been. That was really all I wanted in the whole world. For my daughter and loved ones (animals included) to be forever protected ❤️ that teeny little sign changed my entire day.

I look around and see that we are all craving the life Jesus offers. Love, protection, community, and generosity. Why wouldn’t you want to be filled with joy and purpose. To live a life content and overflowing with goodness. To wake up happy and whole with a knowing in your soul that you are living the reason you were created. You start to see the dots and where they all connect. You were chosen. That doesn’t mean it will be easy, though. Life is rarely easy. But it does mean that even in the awful, insane, or just generally terrifying moments, you know it will actually be ok. But how do you trust he is real?

I remember talking to God when I was little. I just wanted him to approve of me. My church was judgmental and scary. I couldn’t feel the love, I couldn’t speak in tongues or quote the scriptures. I didn’t have wonderful grades or thoughts. I was hurting. I kept up that hurting for years and years and years. I didn’t feel worthy. I had a searching soul, but it took me forever to find out what I was searching for. I tried all the religions and all the substances, but nothing ever satisfied that burning in my soul. Drugs brought me closer to nothing. Weird belief systems left me empty and hungry for something deeper.

I tried all the things to stop the pain and anxiety. All the things. I tried things on top of things until I was walking into walls or hitting 6 cars in a row sky high on Xanax. I just kept living despite my begging God to just take me. See, I still believed. In every second of my self-induced suffering, I still believed. I just had no clear idea of what it was I believed in. I was never angry that I wasn’t healed. I didn’t even know healing was an option, so I never asked. I just kept trying to manage it all on my own. Doing things on your own is torture.

I love you 🤎 I say that so often now. I mean it with all my heart. Sometimes, I am just silently saying that to a person I see. Sometimes, I am saying it to God. I say it all day to my daughter and all the animals. I love you, I whisper. I love you, I think, while watching an elderly person walk alone to their car. I love you to each person in my family, even the ones I know don’t love me. I love  because, honestly, what better feeling is there? I love because I am loved. It took feeling that to my bones to accept it.

I am a new creation. I am not the child with crippling anxiety or the teen with raging anger. I am not struggling with any addiction or unhealthy obsession (I say while surrounded by cats). The old me is gone. My soul was not changed by me. I surrendered. I surrendered in a true me dramatic hands thrown in the air display of absolute hopelessness. I gave up and screamed to the Jesus I didn’t even know. PLEASE HELP ME. And he did. That’s how I know he is real. I was healed. I was healed of things impossible for any human. I believe because I know.

I wish I could convey the joy that comes with absolute faith. So much of my life is comical. I dreamed of a horse my entire life. I now have a thoroughbred with a pedigree that goes back to Secretariat! Can I afford him? No…ha. But God sure sent the best and most loving horse I could have ever dreamed of!

I am sitting here writing on a ranch surrounded by kitties and filled with over 50 horses and goats, pigs, chickens, and friends. Is it my ranch… No. But I did get what I asked for, I just wasn’t specific. I honestly got a daughter who goes beyond what I ever knew possible. She thinks I’m a famous person. She laughs hysterically at my sarcasm and just stares at me and says, “Mommy, you are so beautiful,” while I have the covers pulled over my head! What kind of God is this?  Do I have exactly what I need materially to feel secure? Absolutely not! I literally have no idea how we are going to make it day by day, but my blessings are beyond my comprehension, and my love is overflowing. That is more than I ever knew was possible.