Fear

Everything that matters. Everything you will remember forever comes with a heavy dose of fear. Fear is actually so magical… It’s tied to wonder and wonder will always keep you enthralled. I need these emotions to feel, to feel alive. The wonder of seeing something beautiful or unexpected, the fear when trying something new or seemingly impossible. The feeling when you accomplish something you only dreamed of and the wonder when you realize that list can be endless. Thrilling. Life can be so beautiful but you have to do the work.

I have done many things in my life that have been thrilling, but few have been on my terms. The past few years, I have been overcome with wonder at some of the synchronicities in my current existence and filled with gratitude at my being able to see them so clearly. My favorite things have been when I was scared, but I pressed on. When I was sick to my stomach but I stayed. To feel proud of yourself is pretty cool. I want that feeling every single day, which in my case is currently easy since I’m just now starting to live authentically.

I found a picture of myself deep in the closet. I was probably 10 and I had my arms around the face of a beautiful bay horse. He had a blue halter exactly like the one I have under my pillow…I’m still 10 inside, I still believe in magic and miracles. I found the halter thrown on the ground after my favorite horse was taken by it’s owner. It sounds so stupid but I had just whispered to him

“One day, we will ride over streams and explore meadows, and you will be mine.”

Barron💙

They took him in a hurry, so I grabbed his his halter. I loved him so much. He was so difficult and wild. I fell in love with him instantly, and he made me work for every drop of affection he showed me. He prepared me for the future. He prepared my heart for the horse that I would get very accidentally 2 years later.  My horse wore his halter, and the pain of missing him hurt my chest. But it was a blessing getting me ready for a blessing.

Threads upon threads that intertwine. Now, with absolute uncertainty in my life, I have to remember those threads. God already knew the things I was  going to go through right now. He knew my mom would die. He knew my dad would be in a relationship 4 days later. He knew I would be on my own with 900 animals, a child, and no constant source of income. There is a perfect career for me. One where I can take care of animals and people and be of service. I know all this learning was for a reason. I know how to catch an 1800 pound cow!!! And I can fix anything with twine. I didn’t know anything 5 years ago. Again, this is probably listed under “things only fascinating to me.”