Faith.

I talk about God often because the works in my life have been very profound. The Bible talks about the renewal of your mind, and because my life has been a black and white version of that, I have no doubts… except when I do. When do I doubt? When I need a miracle TODAY and the world is silent. When I need hope but I feel alone. When I’m trying as hard as I can and nothing is happening. That is where faith matters. That’s where you will see God.

Your mind is always looking for ways to rationalize magical moments. Those serendipitous occurrences that take your breath away. But when you take them for what they are and say thank you, you begin to see them everywhere. These moments can be teeny tiny or they can be huge and life changing but they are always happening and once you quiet your mind you will start to see them. That’s the spirit of God.

God has saved my life a million times. I am literally in awe that I am still here. I lived a very reckless and dangerous life before I settled into my place in this world. I remember as a teen driving over a hundred miles an hour with one foot on the dash. Weaving in and out of traffic passing on the right shoulder of the freeway. I would watch the speed go up and up and only slow down when the wheel started shaking. I didn’t care. I didn’t care when my eating disorder was so severe that the Dr’s told my parents to give up. They didn’t… They never did.

I grew up with God and talked to him even while half conscious on the bathroom floor. I talked to God when I was 20 and running down the street at midnight in a horrible part of Sacramento with a man following me viciously. I ran to hide behind a car, and I thought he would hear my heartbeat because it was pounding, so deafening in my ears. I knew what his intentions were. God saved me. I talked to God when I was searching for anything to quiet my mind and turning to substances that should have killed me. I did every drug I could find, and when that wasn’t enough, I mixed it with alcohol. I prayed that God would take me when all of my recklessness just left me empty and broken. I begged Jesus to let me die. I was going my own way. It was a dark and terrifying and dangerous way, but God was there. I should definitely not be alive, but God had a plan if only I would stop running long enough to hear it. How in the world did I live through it? God chose me before I chose him, and he didn’t leave me.

My life changed slowly over many years. I failed daily at everything and had to get back up and take baby steps to a future I couldn’t even see or comprehend. I remember giving up. I really recommend giving up. I prayed and visualized me begging Jesus to heal me, I was holding on to feet wearing leather sandals, and I was done. I absolutely could not live even 1 more second this way. I don’t know what was real or a dream/vision, but it felt so real to me. I never touched another substance after that day. I never had any desire to be numb again. I began to feel, and that was so totally overwhelming because I had spent my entire life actively making certain not to feel a single thing.

I knew I had been healed. I knew that the habits and lifestyle I had turned to for coping couldn’t just disappear. I knew the relationships I was forming and repairing were impossible with my own strength. I couldn’t question it because it was obvious. I had tried to get better my way a thousand times. I had bargained with God, made promises, and asked for random signs. Finally, I threw my hands up and just laid down and said “God I give up!” I’m not going to fight anymore. I’m done. I meant it with every ounce of my soul. I was ready for whatever happened. It was NOT easy. I was not done. Now came the work of trusting that God’s way was better than mine. That’s a lifelong lesson.

I am so grateful because I know how different my story could be. I am so grateful to a God who already knew my purpose and wasn’t about to let me wreck it. I am also grateful that I found it in myself to humble myself before God and my loved ones. I have no idea what triggered my darkness, but I know that with God, there is no darkness. I know that I will have miracles to write while I drink my coffee at 5 am. The miracle of a forever friendships and moving herds of horses in a rainstorm. The miracle of a lifelong dream of having horses come true in a way God knew would be much better than my vision. Or the big miracles like my being alive and here to share my testimony. My daughter who is my sidekick and best friend. And my family, whom I am so incredibly close with and friends!! I never thought I would have these beautiful, soul filling relationships! And a horse!! A wished for him on every single birthday of my life. I’m even grateful for the insane chickens eating cat food in my bedroom (something I never imagined I’d say).

I am so blessed. I am so happy. I also have completely surrendered my vision and desires for those that God wants for me. I still mess up and fail because I’m human, but my mistakes even make me happy because I see or feel instantly that I am going in the wrong direction and I fix it right then and there. I had times in my life where the idea of the joy and fulfillment I have now would have seemed impossible, but nothing is impossible with God. Not even the impossible.

If even 1 person in the whole entire universe reads this and is looking for a sign, then I promise this is your sign. I know with zero doubt that God heals and that your mind can be entirely renewed. I know that happiness is so much better than you even can understand and that you don’t need anything to find your purpose outside of faith. Faith is the magic. With childlike faith, you can do more than you can ever imagine. I promise. It doesn’t matter what you’ve done or how bad you are right now. You can be whole and purified. You can be happy.

I know that God brought me home to repair the relationship with my mom. I got to say sorry to her, and I got to love her, and then when she got sick, I got to be with her as a comfort and for care. It healed me. When God took her, I was healthy and able to care for my family even in my grief. I know God planted these dreams in my heart and my lifelong love for animals ended up with me being brought to a ranch that gave me both the animals to care for and a community of friends who have held my hand in the hard times and brought me such joy.

I’m in a transition right now. I’m in charge of my life, and it’s up to me to take care of everyone. I am trusting God again because in my own strength, I have no chance… but watch what Jesus has planned. I can’t wait. This is my testimony 💖