Faith.

I talk about God often because the works in my life have been very profound. The Bible talks about the renewal of your mind, and because my life has been a black and white version of that, I have no doubts… except when I do. When do I doubt? When I need a miracle TODAY and the world is silent. When I need hope but I feel alone. When I’m trying as hard as I can and nothing is happening. That is where faith matters. That’s where you will see God.

Your mind is always looking for ways to rationalize magical moments. Those serendipitous occurrences that take your breath away. But when you take them for what they are and say thank you, you begin to see them everywhere. These moments can be teeny tiny or they can be huge and life changing but they are always happening and once you quiet your mind you will start to see them. That’s the spirit of God.

God has saved my life a million times. I am literally in awe that I am still here. I lived a very reckless and dangerous life before I settled into my place in this world. I remember as a teen driving over a hundred miles an hour with one foot on the dash. Weaving in and out of traffic passing on the right shoulder of the freeway. I would watch the speed go up and up and only slow down when the wheel started shaking. I didn’t care. I didn’t care when my eating disorder was so severe that the Dr’s told my parents to give up. They didn’t… They never did.

I grew up with God and talked to him even while half conscious on the bathroom floor. I talked to God when I was 20 and running down the street at midnight in a horrible part of Sacramento with a man following me viciously. I ran to hide behind a car, and I thought he would hear my heartbeat because it was pounding, so deafening in my ears. I knew what his intentions were. God saved me. I talked to God when I was searching for anything to quiet my mind and turning to substances that should have killed me. I did every drug I could find, and when that wasn’t enough, I mixed it with alcohol. I prayed that God would take me when all of my recklessness just left me empty and broken. I begged Jesus to let me die. I was going my own way. It was a dark and terrifying and dangerous way, but God was there. I should definitely not be alive, but God had a plan if only I would stop running long enough to hear it. How in the world did I live through it? God chose me before I chose him, and he didn’t leave me.

My life changed slowly over many years. I failed daily at everything and had to get back up and take baby steps to a future I couldn’t even see or comprehend. I remember giving up. I really recommend giving up. I prayed and visualized me begging Jesus to heal me, I was holding on to feet wearing leather sandals, and I was done. I absolutely could not live even 1 more second this way. I don’t know what was real or a dream/vision, but it felt so real to me. I never touched another substance after that day. I never had any desire to be numb again. I began to feel, and that was so totally overwhelming because I had spent my entire life actively making certain not to feel a single thing.

I knew I had been healed. I knew that the habits and lifestyle I had turned to for coping couldn’t just disappear. I knew the relationships I was forming and repairing were impossible with my own strength. I couldn’t question it because it was obvious. I had tried to get better my way a thousand times. I had bargained with God, made promises, and asked for random signs. Finally, I threw my hands up and just laid down and said “God I give up!” I’m not going to fight anymore. I’m done. I meant it with every ounce of my soul. I was ready for whatever happened. It was NOT easy. I was not done. Now came the work of trusting that God’s way was better than mine. That’s a lifelong lesson.

I am so grateful because I know how different my story could be. I am so grateful to a God who already knew my purpose and wasn’t about to let me wreck it. I am also grateful that I found it in myself to humble myself before God and my loved ones. I have no idea what triggered my darkness, but I know that with God, there is no darkness. I know that I will have miracles to write while I drink my coffee at 5 am. The miracle of a forever friendships and moving herds of horses in a rainstorm. The miracle of a lifelong dream of having horses come true in a way God knew would be much better than my vision. Or the big miracles like my being alive and here to share my testimony. My daughter who is my sidekick and best friend. And my family, whom I am so incredibly close with and friends!! I never thought I would have these beautiful, soul filling relationships! And a horse!! A wished for him on every single birthday of my life. I’m even grateful for the insane chickens eating cat food in my bedroom (something I never imagined I’d say).

I am so blessed. I am so happy. I also have completely surrendered my vision and desires for those that God wants for me. I still mess up and fail because I’m human, but my mistakes even make me happy because I see or feel instantly that I am going in the wrong direction and I fix it right then and there. I had times in my life where the idea of the joy and fulfillment I have now would have seemed impossible, but nothing is impossible with God. Not even the impossible.

If even 1 person in the whole entire universe reads this and is looking for a sign, then I promise this is your sign. I know with zero doubt that God heals and that your mind can be entirely renewed. I know that happiness is so much better than you even can understand and that you don’t need anything to find your purpose outside of faith. Faith is the magic. With childlike faith, you can do more than you can ever imagine. I promise. It doesn’t matter what you’ve done or how bad you are right now. You can be whole and purified. You can be happy.

I know that God brought me home to repair the relationship with my mom. I got to say sorry to her, and I got to love her, and then when she got sick, I got to be with her as a comfort and for care. It healed me. When God took her, I was healthy and able to care for my family even in my grief. I know God planted these dreams in my heart and my lifelong love for animals ended up with me being brought to a ranch that gave me both the animals to care for and a community of friends who have held my hand in the hard times and brought me such joy.

I’m in a transition right now. I’m in charge of my life, and it’s up to me to take care of everyone. I am trusting God again because in my own strength, I have no chance… but watch what Jesus has planned. I can’t wait. This is my testimony 💖

Forgiveness and love

Life is so short when you really think about it. Who you are is temporary, and one day, you just won’t exist anymore. All the achievements you think matter, the people you’re angry with, those moments that filled your days. One day, you will realize that the words you spoke were the last ones someone ever heard. You never know when it will be the last time.

We had a man we adored. We got his papers every morning, and my daughter would leave a flower between the rubber band and the paper. We would always bring in his garbage cans, and as he got older, I would drive him to his Dr appointments and help him write his checks… His hands were swollen and shaky. I am pretty sure he could write his own checks, though. I think he wanted the company. We would sit there until he ran out of stamps, filling out checks and talking about his life. I loved doing that. I always made sure he knew we had adored him. I always wanted him to feel loved. Every single time we saw him, my daughter and I would stop whatever we were doing and run up like he was the best thing in the world. I would always ask if I could do anything for him, and he would always say, “I could use a new body and a new mind.”

I never ever thought he wouldn’t be here. I always thought we would have a tomorrow, but one day, a fire truck showed up. Then the police. I texted him over and over, begging him to tell me he was ok. I sat outside and waited for the ambulance. When you die, they don’t send an ambulance… I didn’t know that. They send a van, and you become a body instead of a name. The driver doesn’t care who you were or what you did. His job is simply to take you away. That human who I adored was just taken away. Forever. Gosh, I miss him. We still pick up his papers, and his light is still on over his desk. I wish I could have held his hand before he died. I wish I could have said goodbye. I hope he knew we loved him.

I think about my life and all its chapters and challenges, and I am grateful. I am grateful for being alive. I am grateful that I have been humbled and refined by God. I am grateful for every moment I get with the people I love, and I make sure my words and actions show that. I want to treat everyone as if that is my last moment with them. I want them to feel adored. I probably get more out of that than anyone. Maybe it’s selfish. I have not one drop of resentment or anger towards anyone. I choose that. I choose to view everyone as the child they once were, and that makes me feel loving towards them. I want to be happy! Now. Regardless of my circumstances or history. That is my gift to myself and to others, to be happy, loving and accepting, and to forgive and let go. I wasn’t always that way.

I struggled with anger and pain during many periods of my life. They all stemmed from confusion. I didn’t realize that sometimes people would say untrue things to cause conflict. I generally took words spoken at face value because it didn’t occur to me that a person would lie. I would become furious over a story I was told and lash out because it never even once crossed my mind that the individual was making it up for their own benefit. I watched an entire family stop speaking to one another based on the convoluted words of 1 person! That’s a lot of power for 1 person or a lot of weaknesses for those who fell victim… probably both. I tend to dive deeper, so I kept trying to figure out the cause of the conflict, and that’s when all the pieces fell together. I felt so sad for each individual person who had been targeted and then judged. I felt sad for judging. My realization didn’t leave me angry at the one who started it all. It left me feeling oddly soft. How broken must you be to destroy your own family! That is heartbreaking. Those once children are conditioned to be on guard and to perform, leaving deeply meaningful relationships virtually impossible. Children who were expected to impress others but not children who were ever cherished. Their worth measured by their accomplishments but never ever their heart or little souls. They actually never really mattered. They never learned to love, so they carried bitterness from one generation to the next to the next. Thank God that my immediate family was protected from that bitterness. It is a cancer that spreads and destroys. I’m too rebellious to be bitter… or too empathetic… or both.

I literally stopped being angry the second I got it. I should have realized while I was listening that if someone is speaking horribly about their family members, then they are also speaking horribly about you. I remember once asking this person directly to tell me the truth! I was almost yelling. I knew in that moment. I saw everything immediately in that very second, and I had to decide whether I was going to be livid or forgiving, and God stepped in and transformed not just my mind but also profoundly my heart. I just stopped being angry. Nothing was true. That was going to have to be ok with me. I had no emotional attachment anymore. I had no desire to hurt that person, I actually had the opposite feeling. I would show up and accept them for exactly who they were. They needed that, and that could be my final gift to them…it didn’t matter if they deserved it. Until the others saw the same thing, I would wait and hope that some day that damage would be erased, and if not, then I would accept that as well.

God says to love others. Hatred stirs up conflict, but love covers up all wrongs. I am so blessed to have been given the gift of clear vision. I see now what is real and true and what is meant for harm. I am so happy to be surrounded by love and so many wildly different types of people. People I could have never dreamed of meeting or knowing. I choose happiness and love and complete forgiveness of both myself and everyone I am involved with. This life is fleeting, but you can choose to be brave and strong at any moment. It is so much easier to be happy but it is also a practice like anything important. I am present and open and filled with gratitude.

I give people the grace I expect for myself. I show up. I am the person I wish everyone else would be. I am exactly who I always needed. It is unnatural and uncomfortable to face things head-on, to put all your vulnerability on full display, and just be ok with the outcome. I want that. I would always rather walk through fire than stay the same. I will meet you where you are today because yesterday doesn’t exist anymore. You only have right now. Tell the ones you love that you love them because before you know it, they will be in that van. That person you hate used to be someone who mattered. Well, you matter to me. My parents matter to me. My family matters to me, and I will always let them know. Thank you, God, for seeing me before I could see myself.❤

See me.

It’s so fascinating how much power you have in this world. You have this profound and magical power to transform a person’s entire life view and, in doing so, also change your own. You literally can alter the life path and spirit of those you come into contact with… Why don’t some people see this?

When you are small, your beliefs come as a result of those who care for you. Your ability to trust, share, and love openly but mostly your feelings about your inherent worth. Critical and unpredictable affection leaves children confused and consumed with a constant feeling of being at least mildly unlovable…or in my case feeling profoundly unworthy and unattractive.

I have almost 0 memories of my childhood. I do remember the vague and constant sense of unease that I felt. I remember that no matter what I did, it was probably wrong, and I probably would be told at some point that I had “wrecked the day.” I heard that a lot. I remember more than anything that no one ever seemed excited to see me. No one’s eyes ever lit up because of my presence no matter how hard I tried. I felt worthless at 6 and extremely ugly… Everything I saw said if you were beautiful, you made people happy, and I made people so unhappy. I assumed I must be disgusting and dirty and mostly ugly.

Ugliness is not necessarily a hideous face and body. Ugliness is a feeling. It’s the mirror of your parents’ expressions where the reflection was always angry or distracted or disinterested. It was excruciating for a little girl who just so deeply wanted to fix everything. A small soul who wanted to be enough even if I wasn’t perfect. Finally, I thought maybe I could fix it all by disappearing. I started praying God would just take me away so everyone would be happy… just take me God! I don’t deserve to live.

In my dystopian world, that turned into eating disorders, self-harm, panic attacks, and abuse of anything that turned off my own horribly critical mind. For the majority of my life, I was trying to go away, go away from myself. Pain was my everyday, and I had not even 1 moment of authentic happiness until I was an adult.

Happiness came when I was free from judgment. It came when I ignored everything I was ever taught about life and what made me worthy, and with that I slowly overcame all my issues entirely through the power of my own will and with near constant prayer. God was always with me even when I had completely abandoned myself.

I remember holding my daughter after she was born, and realizing that every bit of love I had in my body…the love I never got, the love I always dreamed of, the love I never allowed myself, the unconditional forever magical pure love was in my arms. I was healed. I was healed in that moment.

Incredibly hard work and millions of mistakes followed, but I was healing, and I was healing all the generations to follow. THAT was my purpose. I mattered. I was important. I had a reason that was so so so much bigger than I could have ever understood, and every single excruciating moment in my life had a purpose as well.

When my daughter wakes up I jump into her bed and kiss her face and twirl her in circles and I know my eyes light up because every morning I wake up excited to see her and kiss her and just be with her. Every “watch me mommy” and note she writes me is a treasure to me. Every time I light up for her I also am lighting up for the little girl I once was. I feel genuinely like the luckiest human ever to live that I get to shower this child with adoration and security and that I get to be loved by her. What a prize she is.

When you deeply heal, you also become tender in those damaged places… you drop the defensiveness. My love for my family is the most authentic it has ever been. I feel a softness and love for my parents and their pain. The children they once were. I see pictures of these sweet, innocent faces and wish I could have loved them unconditionally so they could have seen me and adored me. I wish I could heal their families, and I wish you could heal generations backward as well as forward, but unfortunately, I have no ability to fix what they can’t see, and it’s also not my job. But I can accept them as is and I can see how beautiful they are and how well meaning and I can take the pressure off them because I no longer need them to adore me because I am already adored.

I don’t care about messes or perfection or what others think. I don’t care who is against me because I know God and my daughter are for me, and literally nothing compares to that. I know I am filling this sweet soul with complete confidence and a strong love of God and the total knowledge that she is adored as is. I know that while my parents don’t have the emotional ability to light up for me, I now can light up for them. I can be excited when they wake up, and I can love them for exactly who they are right now.

I never ever thought I could heal from the pain of my life but as it turns out that pain was a blessing because I have a gratitude and joy that transformed my life and I have more love to give than I ever knew possible..and finally after all this time I also can accept that love for myself and that simple act is the most magnificent and magical of all.

Thank you, God, for loving me when I was unlovable.

Joy comes after you become you.

My life and my spirit have always been an exact reflection of my self-worth and inner state. You have to know with certainty who you are…the real you…to experience true and constant joy. I wonder sometimes if the pain I have experienced in my life was actually just God refining me towards a meaningful life filled with purpose.

Long story short, I simply gave up my expectations (based on my extremely limited vision) for whatever God’s will would be for my life.

It sounds so simple, but it actually requires an intense refinement of your thoughts. I always felt certain something external would fix whatever was troubling me. A huge house, abundant wealth… but there isn’t enough money on earth to heal a broken soul or an unhappy relationship or a meaningless life. There are zero “things” that can quiet the struggle inside you. Also, happiness truly isn’t expensive. It is simple and pure and fills you in a way nothing else can. It’s love and peace, and it belongs to you, and it can’t be taken or lost.

Living a life that I find honorable fills me. Giving of my time and any resources I have gives more to me than whomever I am helping, and because I do everything with my daughter, it is soul changing for her well. She learned to give a genuine compliment to random people, and their reactions lit her up so beautifully… you just never know the power you have to change a person’s entire day.

My life is my testimony. The fact that I’m here and beyond grateful and that I wake up and say thank you while twirling under the stars. The fact that I have a daughter who is not only my favorite person but also my greatest teacher and joy. The relationships I have with my parents and the understanding of who they are is just nothing short of a miracle!

Probably one of God’s greatest gifts to me (outside of my daughter) was having to move in with my parents. My feelings and long-held resentments and just blinding anger had me screaming at God, “WHAT IN THE WORLD! WHY DID YOU PLACE ME BACK IN HELL!?” Well…Thank you God. I had a choice… I could be angry and awful (I was), or I could be quiet and listen and try to see where they were coming from. I could help and be an example, and most of all, I could let my daughter experience her grandparents with zero filter. Well, that sucked… but only until I put my ego and pride aside and saw the honestly astounding humans in front of me.

My parents are people. Sometimes, even as an adult, you forget. They are broken and flawed and kind and honorable and doing their best. My dad is grumpy and frustrating and haunted and sensitive and shy and loyal and the most protective and generous man I have ever known. He gives until he has nothing. He will show up to help you no matter the hour, no matter the issue. He will be the 1st person to save you and will worry about everyone and everything nonstop. He will also offend you because he has no filter, and he will be devastated if you get mad because he will have no clue what is wrong. He is complicated and the best grandfather in the universe.

My mom will spend 45 minutes explaining how to use the new shampoo she bought and hold the shampoo hostage so you are forced to listen to “you pour a small amount in your hand and then put it on wet hair…WET! ARE YOU LISTENING?” But she will also search high and low for your favorite things and encourage you to buy things that make you feel better. She will always laugh and desires nothing more than seeing her family happy and joyful and safe. She doesn’t hate a single soul and is very much still the little girl she once was. She just loves people and sunflowers, and mostly, she loves my dad and just worships her grandchildren. She is simple and kindhearted and believes God answers prayer, and she prays for each family member 100 thousand times a day.

I am blessed and grateful and know how to use shampoo. I have learned patience and tolerance and that life is way too short to not find the good. There is so much good. It is so easy to pass judgment and be critical, but if you don’t want to be judged…well, you know the rest.

I choose to live my life privately because I want a happy and wholesome existence. I don’t allow devices or distractions in our lives, and I am very purposeful in my parenting. I put God first and believe that offers a shelter for my daughter in difficult times and also a base of morality, which the world currently seems to lack. I am happy with what I have and have gone from praying for everything to praying for enough because that is all I need. Thank you, God, for everything good and bad because it led me to today and today. I am filled with joy.

Me then you.

I’m not sure if I’m a normal human. Sometimes, the feeling of having lived before is so profound…the ability to empathize with the unseen in far away lands or the familiarity of a landscape I’ve never seen. Or maybe it’s just that my soul so desires to see, touch , and taste everything this world has to offer; I feel claustrophobic just staying within the walls of my own perceived “space.”

I look back on my struggles and feel such frustration at my simple and egocentric life; What a waste. My need to be numb to avoid the screaming in my head “YOU’RE NOT WHERE YOU BELONG!” I had no one to guide me or explain to me that perhaps my mind was bigger than my world. That I was feeling caged and the same, and I wanted to be free and different.

I wanted to learn about every single culture and to use my hands to create. I wanted to understand the looks in people’s eyes, and I didn’t want to miss anything. I wanted to help and to build and to be a part of the world, not just the tiny little world allotted to you when you follow life’s rules. I don’t love rules.

When I had my daughter I was so excited at the ability to fill her spirit with everything so she could take on this world. I wanted to foster in her a deep love for life. A knowledge that the world is vast and textured and hers. She is not limited to only the ground in front of her and that learning is a gift, a prize, and it extends far beyond textbooks.

I desire to raise a child who is not the same! The world doesn’t need millions of kids staring at their phones. We definitely do not need another kid scrolling through Instagram and Snapchatting their way through to adulthood. Repeating the nonsense that they are told matters. I owe it to HER children to grow her fully. I owe it to the world to raise a woman who engages entirely and brilliantly with everything around her.

So, now we are homeschooled. We do spelling tests in magical forests and math outside of a museum. We wish on stars at 4 a.m., then learn about astronomy by pointing out constellations and watching videos of the space lab. We make friends with people from other cultures and religions, and we learn about them and who they are. We live and adventure and play because that is what really matters.

I am raising a child who is brave, well-mannered, well-rounded, and interesting. A child who is deeply empathetic and who looks into your eyes and holds your hand. Someone who wants to take care of others and who also loves to be taken care of. She will always help the child who falls down but also will just walk away if someone is unkind; At 6 she knows her worth. That is my prize❤

Every day is God’s gift to me and what I do is my gift to God…or maybe who I raise is my gift.

Continue reading “Me then you.”

Go outside.

Did you know many kids average only 4 to 7 minutes outside per day!? Those same kids average over 6 hours per day on screens… video games, social media, not to mention online school, …just reading that gives me anxiety.

I have opted for a polar childhood for my daughter. She is outside for the majority of the day every day. We do watch TV together but we mostly adventure and play. The benefits are blatant and beautiful and undeniable for both of us.

The author Tom Corley compiled a test telling about how to raise our children to be successful and happy in life and it puts kids in one of six categories giving the likelihood of success later in life…not even one question related to success in school or test scores! The questions related to strong relationships, gratitude, self care (exercise, sleep, limiting junk food and screen time, etc.), being responsible with money, being a lifelong learner.

It seems we, as parents, focus so much on school success and extracurricular activities in order to create a well-rounded child that we forget that perhaps these aren’t the things that truly matter. These aren’t the areas that facilitate true happiness or success later in life. What about the value in areas that can’t necessarily be measured?

I decided early that I wanted my daughter to see the magical parts of the life. To see outside as the ultimate playground. I knew that for me, finding dragonflies and baby frogs was far superior to artificial light and staring at a screen. I also see the direct relationship between the amount of time I spend outside and my mood, so I knew it would also be healing, educational, and bonding for us as a family.

We start our day with a walk in our jammies. Just a little walk to see the stars (we get up early) and to pick flowers for potions and to decide on the direction our day will take. It is one of my favorite traditions and always sets the tone for the day.

Sunlight regulates human physiology and behavior. Sunlight affects hundreds of bodily functions because our bodies have daily rhythms that require exposure to the sun’s day and night schedule to function at its highest level. When you consider that humans spend over 90% of their waking hours indoors, our decision to spend the majority of our day outside feels like such an act of rebellion.

I desire to raise a whole, brilliant, kind, and interesting human who talks to you while looking into your eyes. I am so changed by living this way and encourage anyone to try it for a week and watch the immediate benefits.

Happiness

I’m so happy. I mean, I have a near constant state of gratitude and peace that I never ever EVER thought possible. I feel mostly joy, and I don’t feel terribly weighed down by the problems of others.

For as long as I can remember, I have had anxiety. Sinking into the center of the earth anxiety. Praying God would take me anxiety… literally trying every drug, herb, food, and distraction anxiety. And then I gave up…

Giving up for me meant stopping every single thing that altered my brain. I wanted to know me if I was going to let go of me. I knew intuitively that if I needed a drug to deal with my feelings then something was wrong with my environment my perception of my situation or the people I was surrounding myself with..nothing was ever wrong with me specifically. I retrospectively can say that the only times I’ve been truly alive is as a young child and in the past 7 years and that’s not to say there haven’t been tough times…but in the past 2 years, there have been few.

I absolutely had to go through hell to get back to that childhood state of wonder and grace. I had to lay on the bathroom floor dealing with insomnia and not knowing if I would live through the pain. I had to revisit every awful moment and extreme insecurity, and I had to turn my life entirely over to God, who I wasn’t even sure was listening. Try praying for a sign at these times!! Absolutely nothing happened. Apparently, you can’t manipulate God.

I also had to be ok with the fact that every relationship I had was not going to stay the same. Some would end, some would alter, and some would grow in ways I couldn’t imagine. I had to be ok with losing everything to get me back, and I was, and in some ways, I did lose everything, and I wish deeply I had done it sooner.

Those relationships that require you to not be 100% authentically yourself are not real, and they have little service to you outside of being a comfortable hell that you are too scared to leave. I miss nothing of my life before. Not one single second.

I gave myself entirely to God, and it gave me peace and gratitude that I knew at 7. I had to find a relationship with God that served me and my path and because I was raised in church, and I felt confused by the hate and judgment that was preached near constantly. That isn’t God. God created us perfectly. We are perfect to God. We are enough. I am enough.

I don’t question my path because I have been on it long enough to know it is perfect for me. I have absolutely no need to alter myself to deal with my day. I sometimes struggle with people and then realized that generally those aren’t my people…I am happy and no it wasn’t easy and yes it took so long to see the benefits but all the things I was searching for externally were already there. The relationships I craved came when I was clear and open to receiving them, and many of my deepest dreams started coming true, and they looked nothing like I thought they would.

I am whole. I always was, but this world and the people we surround ourselves with can tell us otherwise, and it’s a lie, and once you understand that you start to see, you can have everything, and you deserve that.. no matter who you are. I am not perfect, and I never will be in the world’s eyes, but I am to God, and that is enough. I’m a better person, and I can love you entirely because I love me.

New Word

I’ve been holding my breath.

When things got strange and talk of a virus began, I blew it off. No big deal!! Who cares! You have a young child at home, and half your year is fighting off one weird sickness after another, so…what’s one more cough. Ugh. It was more. Life was about to change.

I used to pray that life would slow down. Once school starts for kids, the days become fast forward and rigid… hurry, hurry, hurry!!! Running from home to school to home to errands to food then back to school then hurry hurry hurry or we will be late to gymnastics then dinner then 7 minutes of quality time before trying not to shriek GO TO SLEEP because you have to be up at 5 if you want a minute alone to drink your coffee in peace then saying sorry 87 times to the sleeping child because you feel so guilty about rushing and you miss them already.

Now we find ourselves doing ALL the quality things. Literally, all of them. All day…that is almost all we do. I’m going crazy. My child is going crazy because I am going crazy. Life has altered, and I wasn’t prepared.

I woke up this morning realizing that life is forever different. I had been holding my breath, waiting to be set free. Waiting to rush to the park and laugh with the moms and watch the kids euphoric to see each other. To grocery shop listening to cheesy music while older people smiled at my wild child dancing through the aisles, eating an open snack. To be annoyed at the long walk to the beach because the parking lot was so full. I had been waiting! DAMN!

That’s not going to happen. That magical day is not coming in two weeks or two months. This is life now and we have to settle in just like we settled into every new phase of our lives…but I wasn’t prepared for this change and I guess I will need to mourn the loss of the old. I am going to have to feel the anxiety and let my child feel hers as well, and then life will go on… whatever that means now.

I feel scared. Not of the virus. I feel scared of the loss of freedom…how interesting. My perception of the world has permanently altered, and I feel a loss of control, and it feels scary. I wonder how I will reflect on this in a year. How will I feel proud of myself? What do I wish I had accomplished? When will I take my pajamas off?

Generational curses

I used to think generational curses were actual curses put on a family like the “curses” you see cast by the evil witch in a movie…feels the same minus the beautiful gown and prince who saves the day.

I have been committed to ending the generational curses in my own family. I may never be able to help those that came before me, but I damn well can help my child and those that come after.

You watch patterns, and if you step back and become non-reactive, you see the curses laid out so clearly… lack, fear, shame, anxiety, hate, and pride. Well, no. I say no. No, I will not be a part of this. No, I will not pass this down. No, you can’t have my soul. I’m taking it back.

I’m brave. I am. I will always defend you, I will never stand by and watch someone being bullied or abused. I will take the hit, and because of that, I know I can overcome any curse no matter how strong.

I will watch as the children in my life grow up totally unencumbered by the very things that threaten to suffocate me, and I will see them thrive and know that the hell ended with me. Someone has to say no more.

I will say it. I will stand in it. You may have destroyed every generation before us, but you can not have us because we see you.

Maybe just knowing is the beginning of the end.

Inside out

I searched and searched for signs and messages at my lowest points…show me God, show me that you’re real… just a little sign, PLEASE!!!

This doesn’t work! At all. In fact, when you hysterically cry out to the universe, the world actually seems to go silent. In desperation, you see nothing. Zero. It is in surrender that the signs appear.