HeidiBond❤

Signs

God, if my dreams are going to come true, let me see an orange starfish. ✨️

I was driving down the road literally panicking about the future, and I asked God to show me signs that it would be ok. We drove and drove on our way to a festival that I was much too tired to be excited about, so I forced silence on the entire trip, allowing reading only. By some miracle, the car was silent. As we drove, I looked far out into a random field, and I saw a sign that said, “Forever Protected.” I wanted to cry. That is exactly what my deepest wish has always been. That was really all I wanted in the whole world. For my daughter and loved ones (animals included) to be forever protected ❤️ that teeny little sign changed my entire day.

I look around and see that we are all craving the life Jesus offers. Love, protection, community, and generosity. Why wouldn’t you want to be filled with joy and purpose. To live a life content and overflowing with goodness. To wake up happy and whole with a knowing in your soul that you are living the reason you were created. You start to see the dots and where they all connect. You were chosen. That doesn’t mean it will be easy, though. Life is rarely easy. But it does mean that even in the awful, insane, or just generally terrifying moments, you know it will actually be ok. But how do you trust he is real?

I remember talking to God when I was little. I just wanted him to approve of me. My church was judgmental and scary. I couldn’t feel the love, I couldn’t speak in tongues or quote the scriptures. I didn’t have wonderful grades or thoughts. I was hurting. I kept up that hurting for years and years and years. I didn’t feel worthy. I had a searching soul, but it took me forever to find out what I was searching for. I tried all the religions and all the substances, but nothing ever satisfied that burning in my soul. Drugs brought me closer to nothing. Weird belief systems left me empty and hungry for something deeper.

I tried all the things to stop the pain and anxiety. All the things. I tried things on top of things until I was walking into walls or hitting 6 cars in a row sky high on Xanax. I just kept living despite my begging God to just take me. See, I still believed. In every second of my self-induced suffering, I still believed. I just had no clear idea of what it was I believed in. I was never angry that I wasn’t healed. I didn’t even know healing was an option, so I never asked. I just kept trying to manage it all on my own. Doing things on your own is torture.

I love you 🤎 I say that so often now. I mean it with all my heart. Sometimes, I am just silently saying that to a person I see. Sometimes, I am saying it to God. I say it all day to my daughter and all the animals. I love you, I whisper. I love you, I think, while watching an elderly person walk alone to their car. I love you to each person in my family, even the ones I know don’t love me. I love because, honestly, what better feeling is there? I love because I am loved. It took feeling that to my bones to accept it.

I am a new creation. I am not the child with crippling anxiety or the teen with raging anger. I am not struggling with any addiction or unhealthy obsession (I say while surrounded by cats). The old me is gone. My soul was not changed by me. I surrendered. I surrendered in a true me dramatic hands thrown in the air display of absolute hopelessness. I gave up and screamed to the Jesus I didn’t even know. PLEASE HELP ME. And he did. That’s how I know he is real. I was healed. I was healed of things impossible for any human. I believe because I know.

I wish I could convey the joy that comes with absolute faith. So much of my life is comical. I dreamed of a horse my entire life. I now have a thoroughbred with a pedigree that goes back to Secretariat! Can I afford him? No…ha. But God sure sent the best and most loving horse I could have ever dreamed of!

I am sitting here writing on a ranch surrounded by kitties and filled with over 50 horses and goats, pigs, chickens, and friends. Is it my ranch… No. But I did get what I asked for, I just wasn’t specific. I honestly got a daughter who goes beyond what I ever knew possible. She thinks I’m a famous person. She laughs hysterically at my sarcasm and just stares at me and says, “Mommy, you are so beautiful,” while I have the covers pulled over my head! What kind of God is this? Do I have exactly what I need materially to feel secure? Absolutely not! I literally have no idea how we are going to make it day by day, but my blessings are beyond my comprehension, and my love is overflowing. That is more than I ever knew was possible.

God told me to run😳

I am tired. Exhausted, actually. I work teaching kids how to ride horses, and many of the kids I teach have disabilities. I also homeschool and am an only parent and have what feels like 9000 animals. I recently told God how tired I was, and I heard “run.”

Run? Ha! Yes, well, I haven’t slept in a million years, and it’s hot, and we haven’t done any school work! Plus I’m really tired and I have to make dinner and I can’t find my shoes and I can’t run because I’m not a runner because I don’t even know where my bra is so… no? “Run” Heidi. “Run.”

I prayed for an answer.

My mom died recently, very suddenly. Her death shook the foundation of my world. I had been caring for her in the evenings, and her dementia was unnerving, but it allowed us a relationship that I had craved my entire life. 4 days after she died on Christmas morning, my dad told me he had booked a flight to visit his high school girlfriend. Nothing made sense. I felt numb and like I was looking at a stranger. I quickly realized my daughter and I were on our own. God was my father, and I had to rely on him entirely. I felt so scared and confused. “Run, Heidi.”

What! In! The! World! I didn’t realize God spoke that way. I figured it was my own brain, but then I also realized that I would rather be chased by a hippopotamus than ever run on purpose! Ever!! Oh Lord, why!?

I found my running shoes buried deep in the trunk of my car. I had to dig under a grooming box, an air mattress, 97 pairs of mismatched shoes, and a half empty bag of chicken feed🙄. Today is the day I run🙄.

It’s 5 in the morning. I’m pretty sure I heard turkey outside, so I should probably wait until it’s light. Plus, my daughter is sleeping, and I need a cheering section. I am going to run-ish. I’m going to run like the wind for probably 30 seconds because I don’t run, but I will run! I will run every day because you told me to. Help me honor you. I want to make you proud of me. I want my daughter to be proud, and I want to sleep with that peace that comes from being who I am supposed to be. It’s 6 now. I should go get my shoes.

🙄

We did it!!! We ran the last two days! My daughter ran ahead of me like a noodle, which made me laugh, which in turn made it much harder. I couldn’t have been more grateful. She could barely breathe, laughing at my misery. We did it, though. I cleaned the house, too. And I rode my horse every day this week… Except today. My legs are really tired. I’m listening, God. I’m listening.

I remember all the words that have been said to me, but I no longer feel angry. The other day, I woke up and heard that voice in my spirit. “Don’t be scared, those words aren’t true.”

Today, we ran again. 10 minutes off our time! We played music and ran way too fast and almost died, but it was amazing! I cleaned the house and got my little amazon new clothes because she keeps growing out of everything. I made her lunch, and we moved a 250-pound dresser. She weighs 68 pounds, and I’m small too. I HAD to move this dresser. It was my mom’s, and she hated it. Finally, it was just Inni and me, and so I just prayed, “God, I don’t know why I hate this dresser, but I have to get it out. Please help us because it’s impossible.” We lifted and pushed and dragged, and we got it all the way to the driveway. My daughter and I looked at each other elated but then realized we had a 250-pound object blocking the driveway, and my car is literally held together with zip ties (I know…But it is keeping my bumper on until the car dies.) My life makes me proud. Isn’t it funny how I can be proud of such ridiculous stuff? But I’m doing it by myself, and I’m learning.

The mail person came to the door after we sat down. It couldn’t have been more than 2 minutes later. She asked if she could have the dresser. She looked at my daughter and told her how beautiful she was and then she touched my arm and looked right into my eyes and said, “You are too, she looks just like you” I almost started crying. It was this special blessing that I needed more than anything in the world. Her words, her kindness, and that awful dresser gone. Thank you, Jesus 💫

Tomorrow, I will run again. I will saddle up the horse, and I will work while my daughter does her school work. I’m listening now for the unexpected. I’m just going to listen. It’s so funny how these angel people have shown up to help us. This spectacular woman who inspired me to ride my horse and to run, she glows, and my daughter adores her. Friends who tell me that I can do it! My aunt who lives in Texas and who talks me out of all the idiotic ideas that come into my head. Crazy thing is I prayed because I was exhausted. God said run. I ran. I’m not exhausted anymore, I’m grateful. Thank you💖 so many parts of my soul are being healed. Slowly but surely, I’m realizing that maybe I can do it by myself… No, I can do it with God. Thank you for listening to my random stories. I appreciate you so much💕

Acts 18:9-10 Do not be afraid; keep on speaking, do not be silent. For I am with you and no one is going to attack and harm you.

In between miracles.

I write these lists of things I dream about or that I would love to do, and I tuck them into the pages of my bible. I write my prayers. It amazed me recently to see that I had checked off 90% of the ones I had written. Some were easy, like an adventure I thought would be fun. But some were big and specific, and they happened as well. There are only 3 that haven’t happened yet, and they are the 3 that I know will be straight from God. Those 3 are my soul prayers. Actually, all my prayers were soul prayers.

Last night, I was tormented as I tried to sleep. Panic just flooded my entire body. I had been actively giving as part of my service to God. 10% to my church and I was giving as I felt called at the ranch where we spend much of our time. I had just ordered 2 enclosures for the animals, and I had zero peace. What did I do wrong, God? Well, I had no lasting money and barely any hours at work. Was God telling me to stop?

Give and it will be given to you. The verse that echoed in my mind. Give Heidi. So I gave. I gave in the form of protection for the animals that I so deeply loved. But I had no peace. What if I gave it all and I couldn’t take care of my daughter? Lord, please protect and provide! What are you saying to me?

What if all these visions I have for my life are my own? I don’t want that. I want to want what you are calling me to do. This passion for animals and people has been in my heart since I was tiny. I feel called to protect and provide. I feel I feel I feel… help me stop feeling long enough so that I can hear! You brought me to this ranch. Why? These animals trust me. Do I give up? Everyone around me just shakes their head like they know I’m going to fail. I keep stubbornly saying GOD WILL PROVIDE! But what if I fail. What if I mess up, God? What if I do something that makes people doubt you?

❤️

I have received most of what I have prayed for. I can’t fail God. I love with all of my soul. I am love. I have received because I asked and believed. I have received because God is good. I have received mostly the things I released. I am so unbelievably blessed by my faith. I am happy and overwhelmed with gratitude. I only get scared when I stop trusting. Those times when I think God might need a little help. I have a personal relationship with Jesus. I didn’t really know that was possible before. It’s the ultimate love. You can only understand it by experiencing it.

I have a purpose. My purpose is to share the reason behind my joy. To share how I have been transformed. I love to capture my heart in pictures. The dream life God helped me create. The animals and people I adore. I feel such happiness feeding the cats, horses, pigs, goats, chickens, cows, and sheep. I have spent my entire life wishing for a ranch of my own, but until then, I am accumulating animals in expectation.

We currently have no money. I share a room with my daughter. Our ranch is just a dream outside of a financial miracle. I’m not sure what tomorrow will bring, but I’m positive that these are some of my most deeply happy times. I’m positive that my daughter thinks our life is absolutely magical and that she thinks I’m equally magical. I am absolutely certain that I am the very best version of myself that I have ever been, and I am overjoyed to be of service to those God brings me. I also believe in miracles with every ounce of my being.

Now, faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. Hebrews 11:1

Mom 12/21/23

My mom died at 1:32 this morning. She had gone to the hospital a week earlier with a very small stroke but had been home for 4 days. She was happy and laughing and so beautifully clear. She told us all she loved us and everything seemed so happy.

Yesterday, around lunchtime she really wanted me to take her shopping. She was really excited about Christmas and we needed to get a bunch of presents. We were sitting in her office trying on rain boots, and suddenly, she had her hand on her head. Are you ok, mom? I asked her, and she said yes, that she had a little headache.

It wasn’t a headache. It was a severe brain bleed. She went from laughing and joyful to an induced coma in less than an hour. We went from excited at her recovery to sobbing in a hospital room, unable to cope. I haven’t gone to bed. My mom is gone forever.

Please pray for our family. My mom is deeply loved. With all our flaws, we are a family that loves one another beyond explanation. No one will ever love me as truly as my mom did. I’m broken.

It’s Christmas morning. I didn’t sleep. My body is vibrating with that weird energy that comes with extreme exhaustion. My daughter woke up every hour until midnight, determined to see Santa. My dad told me he had booked tickets to visit his friend in Oklahoma. I can’t breathe. I didn’t think I would feel this panicky. It is my first Christmas without my mom. My first Christmas with my father who instantly became a stranger.

I never realized how meaningless words are at a time like this. Everyone says sorry. I’m sorry, too. Everyone asks what they can do… Can you bring my mom back? I hate lasagna. Can you give me a sign she’s OK? Can you tell me how life works now because it feels like a house off-center. I don’t know how to be. So surreal.

I miss the you I remember. I play that day over and over and over. Laughing, headache, tubes everywhere, then sobbing. Life is truly short. You literally HAVE to do the things you are scared of. I am glad I feel so deeply, even though right at this second everything is awful.

Last night, I just felt her say, “I’m free, I’ve been set free.” I know she was released from a horrible illness. She was allowed a joyful day before leaving and surrounded by us. She didn’t suffer… at least not in her leaving. Death is something I was not prepared for. I know I will go through 8 million moods today and maybe forever, but it also taught me so much. Don’t judge people or be unkind. You will regret that later. LIVE. Life is extremely short. Say I love you a billion times a day. Enjoy that time you have. All the trying to live longer by obsessively eating salad is just taking away today. Say sorry and mean it.

I took care of my mom as best I could. I told her I loved her constantly. I said sorry for everything I ever did or felt. I actually did that long before she became noticeably sick because I wanted to heal that part of both of us. Do that because that act alone has saved me. I said everything… before she was dying. And I meant it.

My mom died with an incredible relationship with her son, who called her several times a day. A healthy daughter who spent her days hanging out with her and putting her to bed most nights. A granddaughter who watched ridiculous shows with her and sang songs with her. Her deepest wishes came true. I am completely healthy and together. Dad was taking her to church. She knew we would be ok. I hope she knew.

I love you, mom. See you later. I sure miss you.

I love you❤️

I woke up this morning covered in kitties with my daughter sprawled sideways across my bed. My sheets felt warm and soft, and my daughter’s hair smelled like flowers and coconut. What a dream… I didn’t care that an hour earlier I had stepped in cat food or that I had been woken up at 1am by a cat flying across the bed like a mental patient. I felt happy. Everything I have chosen makes me happy. My little light of a child makes me happy. She loves me like a mirror. My words and actions were repeated back to me. My overwhelming love and my willingness to say yes to everything (almost) have her able to love in the most outright and authentic way, and if I say, “let’s go on an adventure at 5am,” she jumps out of bed in her jammies because that’s how we live. That feels like a prize.

My entire life before my daughter was born was spent fighting. Fighting to be seen, fighting for myself, fighting against everything I was told, constant fighting. I had a physical reaction to correction, and it was not positive. I needed to do it my way, and I obsessively walked in the direction I chose regardless of whether or not it was the right direction. I was just going to walk off the damn cliff to prove a point. Screw everyone. That may have been my unfortunate motto. It was tiring and often times dangerous.

My transformation astounds me. I forgive and feel and love and mostly laugh. Those crazy times made me a really good mommy and a really solid human. What a ride.

Life is a trip. My dad looked up at me sheepishly recently. He had reconnected with an old friend in the midst of my moms progressing dementia. It was so funny because literally a week earlier, my daughter and I had held hands in the car and prayed for friends and connection for him. At first, I wasn’t sure how to feel, but I thought about what I would want if I was sick. I would want my family to be loved. Deeply loved and adored. The idea that he could find joy and happiness now is a completely magical thought. My navy seal/ iron man triathlon athlete/ honor driven dad smiling… that’s new.

I’m really grateful. I’m on a roller-coaster currently. Everything is really wonderful/terrifying. Pain of loss is freaking awful, but I trust those I lose are in heaven. A daughter who is my precious love and who is on this dang roller-coaster with me. Luckily, we make each other laugh constantly, and we both have a very strong faith. We have chickens 🙄 that’s new. I told God I wanted a ranch, and since it’s not happening in my time-line apparently we are just starting one at the house.

I’m just going to write endlessly now. I write entirely to myself, but that’s ok. It’s the best therapy outside of animals 💖

If you keep all your writing, the good and the bad, and the angered, you start to see your own transformation. I spent so much time selfishly angry at my parents when they were just on their own path. I expected unconditional love, yet I didn’t offer it. I didn’t make room for brain disease or personal sadness. I was wrong. The things that are happening around me are opening my eyes in such a special way. Random aside, I know… But what a trip!!

Can you hear me, Jesus?

I am in a new chapter. The experiencing God chapter. Well, the, I am seeking God with all of my heart chapter. I am seeking God above everything. I never realized that if you are seeking God, it is because he is seeking you. I never ever knew that that desire does not come from you on your own. You have to first be sought after. That feels loving and powerful to me. It also feels like a season of silence, though. Profound quiet.

I sit in the mornings, reading my Bible and talking to God. I vent my exact same frustration day after day after day, and nothing happens. I found a church that feels so wonderful, and both my daughter and I are extremely happy there. I joined a small group of women from the church for fellowship and guidance, and my daughter goes as well. I have been obeying what I am told and… nothing.

I look to the sky and yell SHOW ME YOU HEAR ME!!! After a few minutes, exhaustion washes over me, and I realize I’m not getting the signs in the way I ask for them. I’m not in charge. I feel like a child in school who does NOT understand the lesson. I feel alone. Yet, just re-reading my words, I see that changes are happening. I see the ways I was told to move, and for the 1st time in my life, I see myself obeying.

Why are you not answering me, God? You know my heart. You know my desires and devotion. I’m really tired and really frustrated. I feel exactly like I did when I was 8 asking Jesus to be my savior. I would ask and then wait for a second to see if I felt different. Then, I would assume it didn’t work and repeat that cycle over and over until I fell asleep. It didn’t take, I would think to myself. Something is wrong with me. I don’t feel saved. Faith is belief in that which you can not see. Faith is believing when everything seems to be falling apart. Faith is letting friends lose you and letting the world go quiet. It’s really incredibly quiet. But I’m listening.

I have loved you with an everlasting love ❤️ when I read that verse I was consumed with awe, then sadness. I had never experienced that type of love until my daughter. I feared God, but love from another is something I don’t know how to feel. I realized I didn’t feel worthy of God’s love. I didn’t feel worthy of miracles. I want to accept love into my soul. To know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am inherently worthy and that eyes light up when they see me. That’s such a magical thought ✨️ for some reason. When I read those words this time, it changed me. I’m choosing differently today. I’m good at that.

Everything feels serendipitous today. I have been very faithful in my reading and praying, and I realized my questions are primarily on love. I find myself feeling loved and loving at the most random times. Usually, I am totally alone walking through the grocery store or driving the car. Today, I put down the book I was reading, figuring I wouldn’t have the time to focus on it. As I got out of the car, I found BRAVE LOVE, a book I had stopped reading. The chapter I was on was called “What Is Love?” I found myself praying for the people that had hurt me or that I had hurt instead of obsessively thinking about it. I prayed differently. I prayed God would surround them with love. I prayed that wonderful things would happen to them, and I meant it with all my heart. I pray that everyone will feel loved.

I have been transformed over the past 15 years. Some changes were so slow, and some were profound and amazing. For the past 7 years in particular, I have seen my heart change entirely. I see my role in every hard relationship, and I am soft now. I saw my pointing fingers when I was equally to blame. I am incredibly grateful to be able to see. I can’t even believe this is my life!! After what I put my body and mind through, I can not believe that I am healthy and have times of just mind-blowing joy. I used to pray every day that I would die, and now I’m literally singing to animals and thanking God for choosing me.

I’m choosing God. Someone told me once that all truly happy people always have God in their hearts. I think that is because with God, you have hope. I’m in a season of change. I’m tired but grateful. I’m sad at the things I’m watching fade away (my mom) and proud of myself for feeling every second of this instead of numbing my brain as I did constantly in the past.

When I can slow down, I feel the deepest love for myself. I’m really proud of what I’ve overcome. I’m also really grateful for the people who have touched my life. Thank you. ❤️

My list of wishes is pretty tiny now. I know exactly what I desire, and I’ve been pruning my life in order to find that path. My greatest desire is that my daughter be filled with a profound love for God. That she be strong and healthy and that her future husband be filled with that same love. I pray for her future children and her sweet heart, and I pray I don’t go insane during the teen years. I pray for friends who love you and who love us (let them be funny). And I pray for our own ranch where we can take all of our animals and my parents and keep them safe forever. And keep our minds healthy, God. I love you.

Grief

My heart hurts. I can’t breathe. I will be ok in a little bit, but right now, sadness just floods my being. My mom looked completely herself 3 years ago. If you saw her today, you would think she was her mother. She has a genetic (apparently) type of dementia. She is disappearing right in front of me.

My mom and I had a really difficult relationship. I was not the daughter she would have chosen. I’m really sorry, mom. I’m sorry I was an asshole teenager, I’m sorry I was mean and insecure, I’m sorry I made you cry. I’m sorry you can’t remember your words or which side of the bed you sleep on. I’m sorry God didn’t answer your prayers. I’m just sorry.

I will be her comfort now when she’s scared. I help her get dressed for bed and tell her it will be ok. I am to her now what I’m sure she meant to be for me when I was little. That’s where the grief lies most. She never was soft and gentle with me, but she allows me now to be soft and gentle with her. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring. Sometimes, my heart just burns with grief, and sometimes I’m ok. But you know what’s weird? I’m grateful.

Life doesn’t usually give you the gift of knowing. I have had a tumultuous enough experience that I understand this, and I am grateful for the stability in my spirit. I can (usually) slow way down and help. I feel peace in my ability to love and show up in this phase… even though sometimes it’s really hard. Friends don’t always understand when I pull away. It’s not you it’s my head. My brain is full. It’s hard to express that in a not crazy sounding way.

Everything in my life in the past 5 years has made me understand the importance of today. Forgive today. Say sorry and mean it today. Have fun today. None of this is in a catastrophic way, but in a way that fills each day. That is your gift, not just to others but a profound gift to yourself. It is a beautiful morning. I am so grateful for a really good night’s sleep. A kid sleeping sideways in my bed. An amazing cup of coffee and a kitty purring in my lap. I’m grateful for a horse. I waited a really long time for a horse. I am beyond grateful for friendships that have seen us through high highs and underground lows. I am grateful for God and for some crazy powerful protection… my angels must be exhausted.

I got this. Well, I definitely don’t, but I am definitely going to enjoy as much of the ride as possible. I’m grateful to Delilah, too. Who knew a fat pig would make my heart so happy💖

My precious baby.

Sweet girl. I love you. I love you fiercely and protectively and beyond what the word love even encompasses. I have held your little self for 8 years. 8 years of sleeping 2 inches from you, 8 years of arguing about candy, 8 years of adventures that have been magical sometimes and often questionable. My little side kick and very best friend. Next time you have a birthday, you will be 9.

I think we got the 1st half of your childhood almost unimaginably right. We had hard times for sure, but they were always resolved with me holding you closer and spending more time with you. I’m not sure what this second half looks like. You will be turning into a teen in this half. Becoming an adult in this half. How! On! Earth!

I love you. It’s this big, overwhelming, pure, and completely magical love. A love so deep that I kiss you while you’re sleeping and STILL want to jump into your bed at 5am and whisper, “want to go on an adventure?” The love that has me missing you when you are in another room. Just the best love life has to offer.

My wish for you is to be able to carry this love into your little soul. To feel big and strong and confident knowing you are absolutely adored so you can never lose. I want you to say both yes and no with conviction and grace. I want you to look in the mirror and say thank you to God for your beautiful spirit and your spectacular soul. Please seek purpose and adventure over happiness because happiness is a by-product, not a consistent state of being. And marry your best friend…make sure he’s funny!

Is it ok that I mostly want to be a part of all of it? Like maybe a tiny bit of a stalker…no? Ok. Maybe just an obsessive fan? Well, for now, I will just sigh as I watch the kitchen lights go on and off 80 thousand times because you don’t want to do your English homework. Then we will argue about how it’s actually my night in my own bed, and you will beg me to let you sleep with me. I will try to remember that I will miss these days more than anything while I try to get comfortable in your bed because you sleep sideways.

I love you, baby girl. I love your voice and your laugh and even your incessant arguing. I love your passion and humor, and you are a much better cook than I am. I’m trying to live in today even though lately I feel tomorrow looming. I feel like I’m handling it well. I got a horse. That should distract me.

Magical words

I find my clarity in the silence of early mornings, I get my coffee and I usually write or pray. For a very long time I have prayed for a protector. For as long as I can remember, I have sought out a person who would bring me peace; a sense of safety. That soul that would make me laugh and push me to do better and fix all the things I break. Someone to hold my hand when my blood runs cold and to tell me I’m amazing when I feel like nothing. As it turns out, I AM that person…dramatic eye roll. That’s annoying.

While reading James Allen, he states repeatedly (as does the Bible) “A man is literally what he thinks, his character being the complete sum of all his thoughts.” So, if you are truly limited only by the myriad of thoughts rushing through your brain, then actually you have all the power! Easy breezy right!? No. Not easy. Not breezy.

If you want a reality check, make a list of what you think about most of the time. What you REALLY think about. My list was extremely clear. I wouldn’t want to hang out with a person with my list. It was depressing and miserable. It was actually my father’s list. Well, I hate my list, and I refuse to be a person with this list! No wonder I freak out! So now all I have to do is completely change my entire way of thinking! Can you hear me screaming? I’m fine. I will be fine. And I’m freaking out…

When I get to this place in my life where I want to scream and throw things, I have to stop. This is where I am depleted spiritually and physically. I keep showing up for others but continually not making time for myself or the things that bring me joy. Your purpose can also be your destruction if it isn’t balanced. When I no longer feel joy I have taken my purpose and made it my obligation and then it becomes a burden and not a blessing. Also, sometimes your purpose is different than you had envisioned.

So what’s my purpose? What is the path God wants me on? I thought my purpose was animals. To rescue and love and care for them. That was my plan when I randomly got a 50 million dollar check. I was going to start a fund to protect and nurture and rehabilitate these animals. I was going to still be covered in mud because I was going to do all the work. I also was going to start a fund for the SPCA; I had plans.

I am starting to realize that God’s plans are not necessarily my plans. God wants me to encourage others. To lift people up when they feel scared. I see that the ones I end up nurturing are the many women around me. I see their incredible qualities when they do not. All the years I struggled and suffered gave me both the calm and the heart to truly see people. I see all the things I would have died for someone to see in me. It’s a strange paradox that I have spent my entire life seeking out mother figures only to end up becoming one.

I remember this woman telling me I was like her ranch mom. At first, I was like I’m 12 years older than you! I can’t be your mom! Then I started to really hate the term “ranch mom,” then I just felt irritated because that was absolutely not the way I wanted to be seen. In retrospect, this scenario has been presenting itself to me forever. I was being called to become the mother I was seeking. After a very long while, I started to see that that was my strength. Just to see people. To understand pain. To care with all my heart. It encompasses both animals and people.

I want to give. I want to uplift. I want to love. I want to help. These things bring me happiness and fulfillment. Whether it is a horse I can turn out and spoil or a human who I can learn from and adore. Sometimes, it’s a person hurting, and I have hurt beyond explanation. I understand pain, but more than that, I understand that it has an expiration and it will get better.

So, what do I think about? Today, I have been thinking about what a blessing it is to be stable enough and mentally healthy enough to show up for those I love. I’ve been thinking how I give what I have in service to others and that I’m extremely grateful to be healthy and whole when 10 years ago I didn’t even see joy as a possibility. I didn’t even care if tomorrow came.

Taming your thoughts is a powerful daily practice. Those words that are triggers to your fear and anxiety seem to lurk everywhere. I can not explain the changes that have happened in my life as a result of looking at my thoughts and praying for the strength to confront them. The life I have created and the love my daughter and I are surrounded with are 100% a result of me trusting God and not the words spoken over me. If I trusted the words spoken over me by my family, I would most assuredly be miserable at best or dead. I believed those words. Think carefully about the words you speak over yourself and your children! They are spells that carry the ability to manifest.

I am committed to the path I was put here to follow. Not the path my father feels comfortable with or the path I wish I had, but the one I am meant for. I will be happy and fulfilled, and my daughter will have a beautiful and blessed life. I will find a way to create income for my daughter and myself that will allow us to have our own home. My father will see us succeed, and he will see he was wrong my entire life. I am not going to fail. We will not suffer because he says so. I will be everything I am looking for, and that will be my blessing.

I am blessed to have young girls who feel like daughters and women who feel like sisters and older women who absolutely feel like a mother figure to me. This group of women and girls is what I have needed my entire life. I feel loved, and I get to both give and get advice, and I get to screw up and learn and show up and love. I believe that if I look closely at the trajectory of my life, it is slowly, and I mean slowly, moving in a more beautiful direction every single day ❤️ Thank you God.

The promise of wonder.

Negativity is contagious, but so is joy. The world is brutal and dark, but there are places filled with wonder and moments, so breathtaking, that for a second, you truly believe anything is possible ✨️

I did it. I got stuck in the whirlwind of darkness. I forgot that me waiting for the darkness to end was futile , but at any moment, I could throw open the doors and find that magic that has always sustained me. I kept praying for signs that everything would be ok, forgetting that God had already promised me that a billion times.

When things start falling apart, you can’t stand on the edge, hoping you won’t fall with them… you are going to fall. Earth is a place where things are guaranteed to fall apart. It is as much a certainty as the sun rising every morning. But Earth is also pure magic with beautiful creatures, friendships, and promises meant to give you a future and hope.

I don’t have to have tomorrow figured out because in that hysterical figuring, I completely lose these moments. I lose my energy to see those sparkling seconds of wonder, and those moments are what makes life worth living. You have to create them. Seek them out. Surround yourself with others who believe in miracles and beauty and who are willing to fall into the hopeful and happy possibilities instead of those who wallow in darkness and defeat. I believe in magic because I believe in God. I trust that this crazy path we are on is leading to more absolutely astounding moments, and each one of those moments strung together is what makes a beautiful life. Thank you, God ❤️